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Mikee_Dee
231 Comments
Beginners guide to BDSM

Being new to the BDSM scene can be a daunting prospect for many people, as they wonder how to get started exploring this new world, not to mention finding a partner. The thing I recommend is to get involved in the D/s community, be it online, or real time. Meeting people as part of a group creates a safety net for everyone, as well as saving money and time dating one person at a time. Although joining a community can be a frightening prospect to those who are shy or introverted, it is the most practical and pain free way to make friends and learn the ropes. Remember to go with the goal of meeting people and building a circle of friends; you don't want to give people the impression that you are 'on the make.'

You will want to educate yourself so that you have something extra to offer, besides your looks and charm. It's a good idea to make yourself stand out in some way, whether it be from a special interest, like Japanese rope bondage, or in your appearance (some players are very noticeable by their style of dress). People do tend to judge by first impressions, so think about what impression you want to give by the way you dress. The bottom line is that if you like yourself and feel comfortable it will show and people will be naturally attracted to you.

When you are at BDSM events, be friendly and show interest in the people you meet. No need to ask personal questions about their sexual orientation, which could be considered inappropriate depending on the context. Just make friendly conversation. Be willing to express your own thoughts on how you became interested in the lifestyle, and what it means to you. If you meet someone you'd like to see again, ask them if they are available before you make your move.

A Special Note For Guys: You may not realize it, but most of the people in the scene are men. This means that if you are heterosexual and Dominant, there is a huge competition for the few women submissives. If you are submissive, there are even fewer female Dominants to choose from. This can seem to be quite an obstacle for new guys in the scene. Despite this, it is also true that if you have something special to offer, the ladies will notice you. For example, if you are submissive, tell the Dominant you are interested in what you have to offer them as a submissive. Don't tell them what you "want," but rather what you bring to the relationship. Think of it like a job interview where you both bring something to the table.

A Special Note For Girls: Since women in the scene, Dominant or submissive, are fewer than men, be aware that there are many men who will be interested in you. Don't feel pressured; just realize that you're quite valuable to the community. You are NOT expected, or required to accommodate rude or pushy behaviour. Anyone who gives you the impression that simply because you're a submissive, you should roll over on your back for them, is an irresponsible Dominant. A submissive's gift of submission is just that, a gift, and it's your choice to give it or not.

It takes time to get to know people in the community, because they can be cautious and you should be too. As exciting as it is to finally be 'out' with your D/s interest, take time to find the kind of people you want to interact with on a more intimate level. There is a broad range of types of play and attitudes within the lifestyle. Communication is the key and most people have to feel a level of trust before they move ahead to more personal interaction. Give people a chance to get to know you and most importantly, make sure you've taken the time to get to know yourself!

Good luck everyone

Mikee

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BDSM Terminologies [Selected]

BDSM: It stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

BONDAGE: The practice of restraining your victim. This most commonly involves rope, but can also involve chains, leather straps.

BOTTOM: See 'Top and Bottom' below.

DISCIPLINE: Discipline can have various meanings. It can be a synonym for a system of training. It can also be what happens to you when you are bad. Play discipline (or play punishment) is a term that denotes that a punishment is not serious, but strictly for fun.

DOMINANCE: Dominance basically means that one has been given some measure of control by the submissive person (this level obviously varies) and in exchange for the submissive’s obedience, the dominant takes control and assumes the responsibility of caring for the submissive and for both partners' general well-being, either for the purpose of a scene, or for a longer period of time.

DOMINANT:
(also Dom/me): A Dominant is one who derives emotional and/or erotic satisfaction from a partner's surrender of control. This could be surrender of control in erotic situations only, or in varying levels of life decision making, or both. A Dominant is often also (but not necessarily) a sadist.

MASOCHIST:
A masochist is a person who receives pleasure from receiving the sadist's ministrations. A masochist is NOT: a person who has a massive orgasm every time they stub their toe (what I think of as the flipside to the "sadist as kicker" stereotype); a person who gets off on root canals; a person who enjoys being poked and prodded and fondled by random strangers in bars; a person who owns a video of "Osama Bin Laden's - How to win friends and influence people," or a person who loves tax time.

POWER EXCHANGE:
The commonly used term for play that involves the exchange of some, or all control, or power. This can occur over the course of a scene or for a longer period of time.

S&M: (Sadism & Masochism, or SM, S/M): Used to denote the physical activity of pain given and received.

SADIST:
One who receives erotic pleasure from the application of pain. A sadist is NOT: a wife-beater, a , a serial killer, a kicker of dogs, or a stealer of candy from babies. This misconception is common. While it is certainly not impossible that an erotic sadist could be any or all of these things, it is not common and by no means true across the board. Your average erotic sadist is interested in mutual gratification with a consenting partner, and in using all kinds of pain as pleasure giving stimuli. Forget those whip wielding weirdo's you saw on Jerry Springer the other day; they aren't exactly representative.

SAFEWORD: A code word that stops the scene cold. Used when someone has had all they can take, or in scenes where resistance (."no! No! STOP".) is being played with, in order to distinguish a playful or in: role declaration of "stop" from a real "no, I really mean it, STOP." This obviously varies with the individuals. Some use a system of "red (stop), yellow (slow down, lessen the intensity), and green (go ahead, dammit, I love it!)," others just have one word. When the submissive/bottom is gagged or for other reasons cannot speak, some specified signal, e.g., dropping a handkerchief can serve as a safeword.

SCENE: This can have one of two meanings which are both illustrated below.
1. Roughly analogous to Leatherfolk or Leather Community, and when used in this way it is usually preceded by "the," as in the Scene. It refers to any or all aggregates/groups of people who do "what it is that we do." the Scene can refer generally to all people involved in "WIITWD," or it can refer to all the people involved in "WIITWD" in a particular geographic area (e.g., New York scene) or with a particular sexual orientation (e.g., Gay scene). In this sense it is also frequently used as a qualifier, e.g., Scene Folk, Scene People.

2. The second meaning of the word, usually used with a verb as in "to do a scene" or as a verb, e.g., scening (also playing). This refers to performing some or all of the activities referred to above. A scene can be as complex or as simple as the participants deem it. It can be whacking your partner a few times with a hairbrush and then ordering them to satisfy you orally, or it can involve elaborate bondage, 500 clothes pegs, chains, whipped cream, and a large scarecrow named Bob.

SUBMISSION: See submissive below. Submission involves the gift of some level of power/control by the submissive to the dominant, and the gift of obedience. In return, the submissive will be cared and provided for, and (hopefully) lavished with attention and sensation, either during a Scene or for a longer period of time.

SUBSPACE: This can mean one of two things. Which one will usually be apparent from context.
1. The vast majority of submissives are not in a submissive frame of mind all the time, but only under certain circumstances, at certain times and situations. Like the Dominant, the submissive must also make a deliberate effort to access this part of their consciousness. This is also often referred to as being in a submissive headspace.

2. Subspace has another meaning which is considerably more difficult to define, especially for those who have never been there. The best way I know how to describe it is that it is like a spiritually transcendent state of complete and overwhelming bliss, the after effects of which can last for hours and even days. I have heard it referred to as "a spiritual high." While this is happening, the submissive/bottom is often said to be flying. It is similar to, but exponentially more intense and powerful than, what is often called "runner's high."

Lecture Mode: On. An understandable mistake that many, many vanillas make, is thinking that all of this fancy stuff we do is solely for the purpose of a physical orgasm, that this is really just very weird and baroque foreplay. I'm not knocking orgasms mind, I like 'em as much as the next person, but subspace and Domspace are often really what we're ultimately trying to achieve. Lecture Mode: Off.

SUBMISSIVE: (also sub or subbie): A submissive is one who derives emotional and/or erotic satisfaction from surrendering some level of control to a dominant. A submissive is often also (but not necessarily) a masochist.

SSC: An acronym for "Safe, Sane, Consensual." There is naturally much disagreement as to how the individual terms safe, sane, and consensual should be defined, since obviously some level of risk is always going to be present. In some circles this term has a negative connotation, standing in as a codeword for a "gentrified" overly: safe brand of "WIITWD," in others it is completely neutral: how it is being used can be easily determined by context.

SWITCH: (also switch hitter): A switch is someone who likes playing both dominant and submissive roles, either during a single scene, or taking on different roles, at separate occasions, with different partners. Assuming the role of a top on some occasions and a bottom on others. Some individuals may switch, but may not identify as a switch because they do so infrequently, or only under certain circumstances. Sometimes individuals switch in just physical roles (top and bottom) and other times they may switch completely in emotional roles (dominant and submissive) as well. Some switches only switch from relationship to relationship and will stay in that role for the duration of the relationship.

TOP AND BOTTOM:
In BDSM, a top is a partner who takes the role of giver in such acts as bondage, flogging, humiliation, or servitude. The top performs acts such as these upon the bottom, who is the person receiving for the duration of a scene. Although it is easy to assume that a top is dominant and a bottom is submissive, it is not necessarily so. The top is sometimes the partner who is following instructions, i.e., he/she tops when and in the manner, requested by the bottom. A person who applies sensation or control to a bottom, but does so at the bottom's explicit instruction is a service top. Contrast the service top with the pure dominant, who might give orders to a submissive, or otherwise employ physical or psychological techniques of control, but might instruct the submissive to perform the act on him or her. The same goes for bottoms and submissives. At one end of the continuum is a submissive who enjoys taking orders from a dominant but does not receive any physical stimulation. At the other is a bottom who enjoys the intense physical and psychological stimulation but does not submit to the person delivering them. It should be noted that the bottom is most often the partner who is giving instructions - the top typically tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. However, there is a purist school of BDSM, for whom such "topping from the bottom" is incompatible with the retention of high ethical standards in the relationships wherein BDSM is practiced. Within a sadomasochistic context, submissive is only roughly synonymous with bottom. Others opine that a "submissive" is specifically pursuing a dominant/submissive power exchange as a key element, whereas a "bottom" may or may not be interested (or even willing) to engage in that exchange. For the latter, some have proposed the "pitcher" and "catcher" (borrowed from baseball terminology) as more neutral terminology, with the "pitcher" delivering the sensation, the instruction, etc; and the "catcher" receiving what is "pitched."

VANILLA:
A person who doesn't do "WIITWD." In some circles this is derogatory, but usually it is a neutral term, and for the purposes of this column that is how it is intended. It is used both as a noun e.g., "My ex-wife was a vanilla" and an adjective e.g., "We had vanilla sex yesterday."

WIITWD:
An acronym that stands for "what it is that we do." It is in very common use as being a rather non-specific term; it can be used without implying any sort of value judgements or narrow-mindedness concerning specific types of kink

WANNABE: (Not connected with this lifestyle whatsoever!): Someone who often acts, or claims to be knowledgeable about BDSM, but in general isn't. Particularly prevalent amongst newcomers to the lifestyle!

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Previous link to this thread Beginners guide to BDSM (Update 1)


bezzlebub69
1 Comments
Thanks incredible helpful to abeginner

SensualSlave2
24 Comments
This post was/is very informative. I will definitely re-read it.




HE cherishes the Gift of ME as I am only HIS.

13thwarrior13
124 Comments
This is good Info .

ImSeekingU1961
11 Comments
Thank you for this. I am new to this and it has helped me a lot.

nowDOTagain
15 Comments
thanks for that info cleared up a few things lol

youdickmecunt
4 Comments
is anyone available to teach me to beg ?

aydah
48 Comments
Simply a wonderful article no doubt based upon large personal experience and deep knowledge of sexual behavior. I'll try my best to benefit from it in my few r/t life.
Thank you D4orce Sir.

redsthebest1000
6 Comments
Thank you! I will be coming back to this for reference!

rm_sullyjhn842
4 Comments
Great info - I know the percentages work against me.

Rangerrocket
15 Comments
Good read. Learned some definitions. Thanks

Rangerrocket
15 Comments
Learn something every day

NewCalCpl2
41 Comments
Newbies here

suchexxl69
184 Comments
Thank you for the work and enthusiasm you put in this post.....
It's very well written and informative and no doubt about that you didn't miss anything.....
Really good Job !

WhatsInDallas
2 Comments
Thank you for this information

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