The Dossier of Agent J
These are the not-so secret files of Agent J.
He is a terrible super spy, but he's a really good guy! So stop by and read these musings he posts. They are hilarious!
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Leave me a private message...
Posted:Feb 2, 2009 12:34 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2019 7:37 am

For those wanting to talk to me...

I am inviting anyone who wants to stay in contact with me to leave your private messages here. Just post them here. I will not post them or approve them so that you will not have to worry about others seeing them but you can leave your info or private messages here.


Agent J
0 Comments , 4 Pending
Posted:Sep 17, 2019 7:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2019 1:30 pm

Last week was not a good week. I would probably rate it as one of the worst weeks I've ever had of my entire life.

It started Wednesday evening...

My dad who had some problems with migraine headaches and dizziness asked me to check him into the hospital. When we got there his blood pressure was 214/165. So they admitted him into the hospital in order to help him slowly drop his blood pressure down, because they couldn't bring it down rapidly because it could have caused a heart attack or a stroke.
Because of this, I had to take off two days for Thursday and Friday and cancel all of my scheduled work for the weekend that was supposed to happen for Saturday as well. Luckily I have a great boss who understood and told me to take the time needed to be with my dad and my family.

What made this worse however was my ex wife. She insisted that I while my dad was in the hospital and I was taking care of him on Friday, that I drive up to her house, 50 miles away from the hospital, and drop off the support for her in cash that day. I had first asked her if I could come Saturday or Sunday instead, because I needed time with my dad as I was picking him up from the hospital that day. She insisted that I drop it off that day, and told me that I shouldn't be shirking my parental responsibilities to pay her the support. And that's when I snapped. Of course, it was Friday the 13th, a full moon was out and I just fucking let loose on my ex wife for being an uncaring, un-sympatric bitch who only cared about money. I ripped into so hard that she threatened to call the police on me for being violent and that I would never see my again.

What was worse was while I was at the hospital with my dad, my got wind of everything and was asking what was going on. So I had to explain everything that was happening and in the process, I emotionally lost it. I started to cry over the phone and trying to explain to her that her mother threatened to take her and her brother away from me. I tried to regain my composure, but in the middle of the call I emotionally lost it, broke into tears and told her I would have to call back later.

Saturday, because of all of the stress, I went to go an AA meeting in order to help me feel better and deal with the stress. A couple of the people even after the meeting asked me to go with them out to dinner afterwards, but for some reason, I declined because I wanted to get back to the house. Something was telling me to go home early. And I'm glad I listened to that inner voice.

As I got home, my dad was there and he seemed normal when I got home around 7:30PM. I went upstairs, and around 9PM I then I heard my mom screaming for help. My dad had fallen over and he was complaining he was dizzy again. We tried to get him to sit up, and then he rolled over and say he couldn't get up. And then...his face drooped on the left side. He couldn't talk, had problems breathing, and he couldn't move his left side. I think he was having a stroke.

I immediately called 911, and the local fire department came with paramedics to help him out. They got him to the ambulance, and they said he threw up in the ambulance. Afterwards, they got him to the nearest hospital, and by the time we got in there, we saw my dad. At first he looked normal, even talking normal. But then, he had a second seizure/attack/stroke I guess, and it was so bad, that his blood pressure dropped to 70/34. He almost died in emergency, but thank god for the emergency staff at the hospital, as they were able to keep him from getting worse and they restored his vital signs back to normal. So for the second time in one week, he was back in the hospital.

Yesterday, they released my dad again. 6 days, 2 different hospitals, and right stress levels are through the roof. The only sort of saving grace is...I'm at work now. And today...although I still have a lot of work to do's quiet. I never would have thought to say this, but I am glad I'm at work now. Because things here are where I can escape my family life for the moment and focus on work. I am emotionally shutting down for a bit and focusing on work. I know that's not healthy. But it's allowing me to return to somewhat of a normal setting. If there is such a thing.

As for my ex wife, I haven't called her. I did speak to my , and I apologized for worrying her, and telling her that her grandfather is ok now. However, I am still somewhat of a wreck emotionally. I'm still worried about my dad and my mom. What's worse is my mom health has worsened. Her blood platelet level was at an all time low and they had to postpone chemo treatment #12, her last one because her levels were too low.

I honestly do not know how much more I can take of this. So much so, that I asked to my sisters to come over on Thursday for a family meeting. I need help, so I hope that my sisters can provide some extra help and work to get the family back to a normal order. I can't keep taking care of them anymore. I need some help.

I'm tired. I feel emotionally dead inside. And above all other things...I felt like I almost lost my dad last week. But that's ALMOST. My dad is still alive. And I am so grateful to God that he's still alive. But part of me is still terrified. I also saw my dad near death's door. It not only scared me for my dad, but for me as well and for my . This past week, my mortality scared me. I thought of myself, and how it might affect my if I were to pass away.

Right now there is so much to think of and I everything is just flooding in at the moment of stuff to do and things I need to handle. I just hope I can handle it.
A well needed weekend
Posted:Sep 9, 2019 8:20 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 5:57 am

So this Friday I spent some well deserved time with my and helped to celebrate my 's th birthday. I ended up taking my to Uncle Julio's Mexican Restaurant, which was really good Mexican food. The food was very fresh, and the had a great time. My also wanted the chocolate piƱata, and when he cracked it open, a bunch of fruit and cinnamon churro bites, covered in super sweet chocolate and caramel sauce. The loved it, but one bite of chocolate, and it felt like my teeth were about to rot out of my skull, it was sooooooo sweet!
Afterwards, I informed him he was getting a Mr. Beast hoodie for his birthday. If you don't know, Mr. Beast is a youtube artist does some crazy giveaway based from his merchandise store. Plus they are fairly entertaining to watch. I also got him some new Yeezy slippers and A new Star Wars Porg Lego set. Finally I got him what he was most looking forward to, a minute table massage. (the wanted one so he could feel like royalty and he loved every minute of it!)

Saturday, I spent most of the day relaxing and I had an excellent day taking it easy. Saturday evening, I spent it just watching television and being a bum in bed. I really didn't do much. I also tried to call my this weekend to see what he got from his mom for his birthday, but he was busy and I didn't get a hold of him until Sunday night. He got a board game and a card game he wanted called Exploding Kittens. I hear it's a funny game.

Sunday, I did some laundry, some cleanup around the house, took out the garbage, and also ran out to get my folks some Subway for lunch. Afterwards, I watched some Netflix and binged on some Anime.

For the most part it was a quiet weekend, but well needed rest, because the next couple of weekend are going to be busy with me trying to get a lot of work done.

Plus next Monday is going to be the start of a final rough week as my mom does her last chemo treatment. I'll be glad when it's over, because to see the toll this has taken on my mom has been extremely rough and highly stressful. I know it's been worse for her, being in constant pain, but I'll be glad when it's over. Plus I'll be looking forward to focusing on other things, but this has been a tough thing all around.

It's been hard watching my mom go through this, but I hope in the end, it will this cancer for her and she can battle through this and come out on top. With Holloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas rapidly approaching, I'm looking forward to better times ahead.
It's been a while
Posted:Sep 5, 2019 6:36 am
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2019 1:04 pm

Sorry for the absence. The past couple of weeks have

I've had work 3 Saturdays in a row the past few weeks, but this past weekend was a 3 day, and I spent those 3 days getting as much rest as possible.

My mom had chemo treatment #11, which means one more go. She gets that in mid-September. After that, she has that 3 month break.

My dad also this week got into the hospital, as his blood pressure was at 224/165. It was really high, and my dad was so much in a fog that he drove himself to the hospital and forgot which one he was in as he couldn't remember which one he was at. (The area had two hospitals nearby so both of them were close, but he didn't know which one he was at) It was a bit scary seeing my dad like that, as he's normally healthy. We think the stress of my mom's condition might have caused him to be so highly stressed that he needed to go to the hospital to deal with the stress and they gave him a migraine cocktail medicine to help him with the stress and the headaches he was having.

The added stress hasn't been good for me either. Yesterday I was so stressed out from my dad being in the hospital, that I collapsed from the stress myself, and while I was at work, I slumped in one chair and put my feet up in another chair and pass out and took a nap for 2 hours. I normally don't do that, but I needed that nap.

The only good things as of late is that this Friday is my 's 14th birthday. I'm looking forward to helping him have a great birthday.
The other thing that happened this Labor Day weekend is that I did something I normally never do, and that's I went the a gambling casino to some blackjack, which is my favorite game. The best part is...I won 285 bucks after playing a couple of shoes of blackjack. That was last Friday. I then went again on Labor Day evening, since the family didn't do much on Labor Day, and played and this time I won 630 dollars. So this weekend, I made 915 dollars playing blackjack. I'm still stunned that I actually won that much. My luck is never that good. So far I've put most of that into my bank and it's still there as I'm holding on to it as a buffer in my bank account as I have my bills paid off for this week, and I'm not sure what to do with it.

Right now, I'm at work. My thoughts are at this point a jumbled mess. Dealing with all of the work, my folks, my family and , the stress...I'm not 100 percent at the moment. But I'm still here. I'm still alive. Got all my fingers and toes and got on a clean pair of underwear. Well, somewhat clean. I think I put on yesterday's underwear. But it's still clean! I guess for now, all I want is some peace and quiet. Which is my I haven't blogged recently. I think me taking a break is well needed. So today, I'm just going to get through it, and catch the Bears vs. Packers tonight and hope the Bears trounce the Pack at home. Looking forward to the game and some relaxation with my folks.

Thanks for reading!
I'm feeling like the creepy old man now...
Posted:Aug 19, 2019 9:37 am
Last Updated:Aug 23, 2019 6:15 am

So this past week has been full of stuff at work the end of the week I put in 61 hours. 21 hours of overtime is good for the paycheck but not good for the body. On top of , I forgot I purchased a to see the Crystal Method at the Bottom Lounge in downtown Chicago for Saturday evening. And I still had to work on Saturday. So I hoped my work on Saturday would be short, but it wasn't, and it dragged on from 8 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon. I got back home, showered, and tried to take a quick nap until 5PM to relax. I ended up waking up at 5M. I then had to get grab a pizza for my folks so they could eat, got back, did a quick change, out the door and drive downtown. I then grabbed dinner downtown at Lou Malnatti's, probably the best damn deep dish pizza in Chicago. If you are ever in Chicago, stop at Lou's, it's the best. I scarfed down pizza and made it over to the Bottom Lounge so it could open up around 8PM, which in turn I found out the doors opened at 9PM and I saw a DJ do the opener for the show. It was ok.

Now, while I was there, I saw a really cute nerdy woman there. She was wearing a cute summer skirt with glasses, and she had a great set of breasts, man she made my heart swoon.. She looks a bit young, but man was she hot. And I wanted to approach her so badly to say hello and introduce myself. I found myself staring at her a couple of times and I think she might have been staring at me. But then I realized, maybe she's staring at me because I look like a creepy old man. I wanted to with all my heart to walk up and say hello to her, just to introduce myself, talk to her, but my social anxiety just wouldn't let me do it. I felt really bad, like I was a failure. And later, her friends showed up and she wasn't alone anymore. What's worse was one her friends was a guy, and he kept hugging her, so I figured out later she probably wasn't alone. But...I'll never know. I never went up to her, said hello, never stepped forward and took my shot. I'll never know if he was just her friend or if was her boyfriend.

Anyway, the show though was pretty good, but the other thing I noticed was it was 1AM and even though the show ended, I was exhausted. My legs hurt from standing for hours watching the show and dancing, and I made it back to the car exhausted. the time I got in at 2AM, I barely had enough energy to strip my clothes and shoes off and flopped into the bed and passed out. I didn't get up out of the bed until noon, which I never sleep late.

While the show was amazing, I felt like a failure this weekend. An old, creepy exhausted failure. And for Sunday, I still had to catch up on stuff like laundry, cooking dinner for my folks, doing the bills, and trying to get stuff cleaned up and set up for this week. In the end, my only day off on Sunday was me working my butt off in order to get ready for another long work week as I have to work this weekend as well.

Anyway, 's my weekend in a nutshell. How was yours?
More Tuesday thoughts...
Posted:Aug 6, 2019 7:30 am
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2019 8:01 am

Well, it's been a bit since I posted, so I thought I'd run here and post a blog to get some thoughts out of my head and on here.

Friday I got home, grabbed a quick bite to eat, and my back was in such pain, I had to go to a masseuse in order to deal with the pain. With all of the stress I had the week before clearing away, my body had been reacting badly to the stress, so my entire back was knotted up. When I got to the massage place, they got me in luckily without an appointment, and I booked an hour session. As the masseuse began to work, she noticed I my entire back was knotted up, and asked if I wanted to extend the session to 90 minutes in order to deal with all of the back issues I had. I had asked her if she could and we extended it and she began to work. My muscles were in such poor shape, every spot she hit, it was so painful the tears were streaming down my face, and as she began to manipulate my back muscles the pain was excruciating. She then had to slap on a special eucalyptus rub on my back to heat up my muscles and get them to relax and hot stones to set on my knotted muscles. Man did feel hot, but it was good and soon after the 90 minutes, while my back was sore, I felt mobile again. She also told me to soak in the tub later night in an Epson salt bath to relax and relieve my muscles which I did.

Saturday morning, I barely got up, but I did. My back was still in really bad pain, but it wasn't stiff, just incredibly sore. I grabbed breakfast and out the door I went to take my for lunch on Saturday. After lunch, we did a bit of shopping, and while in the mall, a guy accidentally stepped on the back of my shoe and ripped the sole off. They were old shoes, but still, I had no shoes. So I took them off, tossed them in the garbage, and luckily I had a pair of flip flops in a beach bag, so I put them on. It wasn't a big deal, but now I had to run out and go get some new shoes. Luckily we were at the mall and I was able to get a decent pair of shoes to replace the ones got destroyed. And they are much better the ones I had because they feel like I'm walking on a foam cloud.
After , my wanted to go to the pool, and because I had my beach bag still in the car, we went for a swim. Man did swim feel good! However, I ran into some problems as they had over-chlorinated the pool, and my eyes were burning. It was so bad, I could hardly see, and after we had gone swimming, I had to flush my eyes out with a bottle of water and wait minutes before I could drive my back home.

Saturday evening was a bit worse, because after I got back home, I began to get really tired. But not normal tired. It was really weird. I got super-sleepy and passed out and slept for hours. When I woke on Sunday morning, I couldn't get out of the bed. I felt really zapped of all of my strength, and just getting out of the bed to a huge effort just to get to the bathroom down the hall. I barely ate anything and was just so tired. It was like my body said "Ok we're going to shut down production for today gang, so turn the lights off." It felt weird. So I called my boss and for the first time in a couple of years, I took a sick day and chilled out for Monday.

Monday morning I still felt tired, but I felt much better than Sunday. I got up, got some laundry done, even though was a chore. Monday afternoon, I felt better. I helped my dad clean the bedroom carpets we had borrowed from my with her carpet shampooer, and then after was done, I picked up my mom from chemo, and we returned the devices we had borrowed back to my sisters house. Finally, I was still tired, but I made a pot of spaghetti and meatballs, ate, and then the rest of the evening, I watched some television and went to bed early.

This morning, I feel a lot better. I'm still not 100 percent, but enough to where I can move around and get some work done. Besides, I didn't feel like spending another day at home when I felt I could do something. and I felt if I took two days off, the work would have piled up and I would have been screwed on Wednesday coming back.

Well...I'm alive! LOL! Not the most ideal weekend, but I feel better, and I'm less stressed, and it feels like life is back to normal. If there is such a thing.
Wednesday ramblings...
Posted:Jul 31, 2019 1:20 pm
Last Updated:Aug 1, 2019 6:39 am

Update on my mom:
She was supposed to go in for #10 chemo treatment, but she was so weak and here blood platelet and T-cell count was so low, they couldn't give her the treatment this week, so she got another week of rest and a bit of a reprieve for her as they will wait until next week to she if she's ok. Plus the dose was so strong last treatment, they've decided to dial back her doses for #10 & # because the doctor said they were giving her too and strong of a dose of the chemo it was causing issues. So hopefully they can fix it for next week. She was so out of it, the dose was causing her bones to be in constant pain and the doctor said was highly abnormal, so I hope things will be better for her. After she finishes dose #, she gets a 3 month break.


To add to our list of problems, my ex's father was discovered to have black spots on his lungs, which he is still getting over sepsis and pneumonia. And they can't check to see what the spots are because they have to wait for the pneumonia to fully clear. Normally, I wouldn't care, but he's been the only one in the family 's been actually decent to me.


I got my car in for repairs at the autobody repair shop. It won't be fixed until Thursday or Friday. The rental didn't include an I-PASS (it's a transponder is used for Illinois's payment of the toll-road system) so I have to take all of the side roads. Yesterday the traffic was so bad, it took me 2 1/2 hours to get back home. It normally takes me an hour to drive it back home if I use the expressways. I really need to move closer to work. The drive home is killing me.


On a related note to my car being fixed, I got a hold of the claims department for my insurance, and they informed me the person I hit is using the insurance to for damages instead of suing for damages. Which is a good thing, because means if they are doing this, then they are not going to sue me. Which you have no idea how incredible is for me, because the stress was killing me wondering if these assholes were going to file suit or not. Plus I spoke with the customer representative for my insurance, and he told me if for any reason they do decide to sue for other reasons, the insurance company with have lawyers to protect me, just in case they decide to sue for reasons, like emotional distress. No one was injured in the crash, thus hopefully this is the end of the issue. When I was told this last night, it was the first night I could relax and sleep better without being under stress. Plus I feel a lot more relaxed now knowing this is over hopefully and I can move on now.


I also talked to my doctor via the phone. He informed me because of the crash I had, the of stress was causing my health issues. The dizziness I had this weekend, the lack of energy, the headaches, basically everything was due to the massive stress my body was going through. Now the stress is gone, he said it will take a couple of days for my body to return to normal and I shouldn't have any problems. Honestly, I would love to leave a flaming bag of turds on the front porch for this lady for her and her boyfriend. They've caused me a ton of stress in my life.


Well, today is payday for me so I need to pay the bills and get my shit in order for everything. I hope I can get back to some semblance of where things calm down and I can relax this weekend. I'm debating taking a mental health day on Monday and calling in sick so I can relax and burning one of my sick/personal days to take it easy. I just need to chill out and breathe this weekend. No work, no BS, just enjoy and relax so I can feel better. I hope I can do . Maybe things will be better this weekend. I can only pray.
Suprise saturday posting...
Posted:Jul 27, 2019 8:06 pm
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2019 7:58 am

Well normally I wouldn't post stuff on a Saturday night. However, I got called in for work, and I'm sitting on a conference call waiting for them decide what do. You know how it is...hurry up and get there, it's an emergency and now they are trying decide what do now.

This morning, a nice breakfast start with blueberries pancakes with sausage. And dad had a ton of projects for me.

The first was to get up on the roof and check it to make sure the gutter guards were working and to inspect the roof. I got up there and had to clear a bunch of dead branches and sticks off of the roof.
Then I had to power wash and scrub the gutters as there was a whole bunch of bird crap on the side of the gutter. That was a bad because I had be careful scrubbing that off the gutter and the underside fascia, and toward the end, I started getting a massive dizzy spell and almost fell off the ladder. I think I might have gotten a bad heat spell which might have caused it because I started to get queasy and shaky at the time. I barely got off the ladder and sat down for a bit and laid down on the concrete, and once I did, the spinning in my head subsided and I felt better. It scared me, because I haven't felt something like that in over 30 years. And it made me feel very weak.
After resting for about minutes, I felt much better and went inside get a drink of ice water feel better and that helped. Plus eating lunch I think helped as well.

After lunch, I got our powerwasher, and cleaned the garage and then began power washing the siding and the window clean off the crap off the house. I didn't realize it, but man our house was dirty. By the time I got in, I was covered in crud. Finally I used the powerwasher clear our deck off outside of the house, and it did a great job clearing off all of the tree sap off of the wood. And then...I got dizzy again! What the hell was going on??? After I finished the deck, I passed the powerwasher off my dad, told him to put it away, and then I went upstairs and I passed on my bed around 2:30PM, and didn't get up 4:30PM. That nap helped clear my head, but I hate say it, the fact I was getting those dizzy bothered me. So I'll have on Monday my doctor to see if he can check me and make sure everything is ok. I'm ok now, as that nap helped me feel a lot better, but still.... dizzy spells in day? It's a bit concerning.

Monday is going be a massively busy day as I have bring the car in for repairs, the doctor, and also my mom is going through chemo treatment #. I thought she had already gone through it, but she still has 3 more go, not more. My poor mom. I hope she can get through it.

Finally I did see my yesterday, and I had a good visit with them. I also had a talk with my about her not calling after she had got back from her trip Baltimore and not called me. I had explain her that it wasn't just me that was worries but my mom and dad as well, and she apologized for not calling, but she had people calling her asking questions, and she spent hours talking them. So I understand it, but still I told her she needed to us. But I had a good time seeing both my and I felt a lot better seeing them.

Well it looks like my work finally figured what they want do so I'm gonna end this now and get this problem cleared up so I can go home and relax. I hope we won't have any more issues so I can at least rest and enjoy my Sunday. Hope your weekend is going well!
random bullshittery returns
Posted:Jul 25, 2019 6:26 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2019 7:32 pm

I got my car evaluated by the auto center that my insurance directed me to, however something was off as the claims agent had cut me a check and asked if I had a ride so I could submit my car to the auto repair place which I was at. He insisted that I get the car repaired at that location, and I was told from the claims agent on the phone that I could get my car repaired at any certified repair place. The place they evaluated my car at was 20 minutes from my home, and the place I last had my car repaired when I had an accident was only 5 minutes from my house, so I told the guy, "No thank you, I'll just get the car repaired at a place that's local to my home."

The guy didn't like that and told me I could hand back the check I gave him if he didn't like the place here. I knew something was fishy, so I called the insurance company, and they told me once a check was issued, I could go anywhere as long as the place was certified. I told them my local repair place, and they said that that place was indeed certified, so I took the check and the paperwork, drove over to my local repair place, and sure enough, the guy at the place there was trying to get me to do business there and mark up the price of the repairs by 20 percent. I then called my insurance company and they thanked me for letting them know and that they would look into this and determine if some hanky panky was going on at the claims inspector's office.

I'm sorry, but I'm not having my insurance racked up like that and I have to foot the bill for it or be penalized by it. Even if I'm still paying the same deductible, if one company can do the same work and it being less AND be closer to my home, I'd rather it be done there.


My returned home safe from her pre-med conference. She hasn't called me at all to talk to me. I think because I was a bit upset at her for not calling me or texting me to let me know when she got back and I texted her and told her I was a bit miffed at her for not contacting me to let my mom, dad, and I know she had returned safely. I don't know what's going through her head, but once again I have to have a talk with her to straighten her out.


Looks like all of the OT I made the past two weeks will be eaten up paying my insurance deductible. One step forward, two steps back like the Bruce Springsteen song goes.


My mom is actually recovering well this week at least. The one thing she is enjoying is the warm weather in which her bones aren't cold. While that's good for her, the house is like a giant Easy Bake oven. Thank goodness that the weather has cooperated the past couple of days because it's cooled down in the evening enough to be great sleeping weather with the windows opened at night. Yes, we have AC, but my mom refuses to have it on, and my dad is a spendthrift person who hates spending money to turn on the AC. So the past couple of days, I spend outside in the evening until the house cools down enough for me to get inside.


I also got a chance to talk to one of the TV TS Dating people here SexySlutSophie who gave me a chance to lend me her ear. It was nice to actually talk with her and she gave me her info to chat with her. While I talked to her a bit, I didn't really want to unload all of my problems on her, and she seemed to be a really nice person. She's also a former Chicagoan, so I told her the next time she's in town to let me know so we could hang out a bit. Sophie, thank you for lending your time to me, it was really appreciated.


Well that's all I got for today. Work calls and it's time to get to it. I'll post again when I have something more interesting to say. Now that I'm a standard member, I'll be dialing back my blog a bit to focus on things at home and try to focus a bit more on myself. If that's possible....
Life returning to somewhat normal. Is there such a thing as normal though?
Posted:Jul 23, 2019 8:24 am
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2019 6:10 am

Well, it's amazing what a night's sleep can do.

Today, I got up after the night before I downed 3 Tylenol and 10mg of melatonin in order to go to sleep, and to be honest, I slept well. 's because last night was a cool night, so I was able to open my windows and get a cool night air breeze coming in, which smelled amazing. Fresh air has a way of knocking me the hell out when I sleep, and man did I need some sleep. I also went to bed exactly at 10PM and got up at 6:10am, and for the most part I woke up refreshed. Sometimes, you just have to put the day behind you and focus the past is in the past and you need to deal with today. Plus my mom was feeling somewhat better, and helped knowing I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to help her out.

I also got a message from a member here who read my blog and she passed me her info so I could talk to her today. I did, and Sophie, if you are reading this, thank you so much! It helped being able to talk to someone today, even if it was just small talk, and us getting to know each other better. It allowed me to get my mind back on track.

Before I went to bed last night, I took a nice hot soak for a bath to relax in some Epson salt and really helped to take it easy. After , I watched a bit of tv, but then I turned it off and around 9PM I just focused on meditation and breathing, and really helped to relax and center myself. It took a while to relax, but I turned off all of the lights with the exception of my Himalayan salt lamp, focused on light, and weirdly enough, I felt better.

I just hope things start settling down. Also my comes back today, which I'm looking forward to. I hope she gets back safe and sound. I miss her. Also I realized why I got into the accident. I gave her my St. Christopher medal, which I normally have in my car to protect me from accidents. Well I gave her the medal to protect her, and I had no protection in the car, which is why I got into the accident. LOL! I know, you might think 's , but I didn't have it and I got into the accident so...well, there's .

Today I'm trying to fend off the people at work from hounding , and I've got to sneak out early at work in order to get my car checked out to determine the to have it repaired back to normal.

Heh....normal. What is normal? I've been questioning a lot as of late. What is normal? It seems my life as of late has been full of stressful situations and problems to deal with. Is this normal for ? my life has to be filled with some type of hardship no matter what? Must I deal with non-stop problems creep into my life? And I swear, I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be positive in my life, but it seems as of late, I clear one negative thing in my life, and another one pops up in it's place. Of course, I have to thank thax0 again for helping keep myself a bit grounded. What I need to do is to keep focusing on the positive things I have going for in my life now in order to keep myself centered.

My mom and dad are still alive.
I have a full-time steady career for now is doing well and there is no signs of stopping with the work.
I'm getting my bills down, which is still a chore, but it's slowly getting better.
I'm alive, with no major ailments, and got all my fingers and toes.
I've got a place to sleep.
I've got clean underwear (never underestimate the power of clean underwear).
I have two wonderful love and they are in good health.
And I have some really good people here who actually care about me enough and post here to keep me going.

In short, the major things are ok. Am I going through some rough patches? Yeah. But for the most part, I'm ok, my family is ok for now, and I'm just trying to get through it all. And I want to say thank you for the people who posted to , trying to keep positive and helping through this. It's still rough going, but I'm determined to keep positive as much as possible.

Now...the getting laid part....'s a problem. LOL!


On a side is my last day being a gold member. I'm going to be going back to being a standard member again starting tomorrow, so my seeing messages will be an issue. However, you can still leave me private messages above, which I can still see, and I can reply back to you in my blog for messages if needed.
Weekend from heck
Posted:Jul 22, 2019 6:07 am
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2019 7:46 am

Saturday was not a good day.

I was involved in a car accident. It wasn't a severe one, just a 5 mph bumper to bumper, but still, both the driver and passenger of the auto I hit were complete and total assholes. The passenger kept screaming and swearing at me telling me he was going to sue me, and kept telling me he was going to sue, and the driver, she was a complete bitch.

Needless to say I was a complete nervous wreck.

I felt like shit all day, and I didn't sleep a wink Sunday morning as I had panic attacks all night long.

Sunday was a tiny bit better, but I still felt like shit. Then my ex wife called me later that evening to tell me that her father was in the hospital for sepsis and pneumonia. Out of all her family members, he's the only one that actually talks to me after the divorce and he's actually a fairly half-way decent guy. And I normally don't medicate myself, but last night I could barely sleep, so I took a sleep aid and tried to knock myself out because I was afraid I wasn't going to sleep last night either.

Either way, the whole weekend was messed up. I even tried to see if I could get together with some friends and they all blew me off on Saturday and Sunday, so needless to say, it was a shit weekend all around.

And this week looks to be a busy one. Regardless, I'm a wreck. I don't know how I'm functioning right now. Between the accident, my mom's health, my dad's health, and everything else going on, I am barely hanging on at the moment. I hate feeling like this. I'm struggling to focus on the positive stuff in my life and I feel like I keep getting knocked down. How do you cope when you feel you life is barely functioning?
The talk I didn't want to hear.
Posted:Jul 19, 2019 6:44 am
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2019 5:53 am

Yesterday I talked with my mom about her chemo treatments. It really scared me yesterday.

My mom is in her 10th treatment. She has to do a total of treatments before the doctors get her into a cat scan to see if the cancer is gone. Here's the thing...after her treatment is fully done and she does the cat scan, she's off of the chemo for a period of 3 months to recover. However...if the cancer isn't fully cleared out...she still has to wait 3 months to recover, and then they put her on chemo again. But the problem those 3 months, the cancer can get worse. They can't operate on her to get the cancer out because her cancer has spread to multiple areas in her colon and lymph nodes. They would have to gut her like a fish in order to get it out, and that's not possible.

My mom has already said that if they don't clear the cancer out of her with the chemo these next two treatments, and the cat scan reveals the cancer is still there...she's not going back on another 6 month round of chemo. She's going to ride it out and then let the cancer take her naturally if that happens.

I understand what she's saying. But the finality it was scary. It was hard to take in and accept it. All I can pray for is that the cancer is gone and she beats it. But I don't know if that will happen. And if it doesn't happen, then I have to accept the mortality of my mom's passing.

I've talked about this before, but seeing her go through this is so difficult. In a sense, I am my mother's caregiver. I've had to deal with helping her to the bathroom, cleaning up the puke, changing her bedding because she pissed in her bed because she couldn't get up in time to make it to the bathroom, helping her up and down stairs, getting her meds. It kills me to see her this way.

I've been sitting her for over a half hour now trying to come up with something else to say and I can't think of anything to end this post. Something positive, something upbeat, something filled with hope, and I can't. I just can't.

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