The Dossier of Agent J
 
These are the not-so secret files of Agent J.
He is a terrible super spy, but he's a really good guy! So stop by and read these musings he posts. They are hilarious!
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Leave me a private message...
Posted:Feb 2, 2009 12:34 pm
Last Updated:Jun 2, 2019 5:05 pm
81541 Views

For those wanting to talk to me...

I am inviting anyone who wants to stay in contact with me to leave your private messages here. Just post them here. I will not post them or approve them so that you will not have to worry about others seeing them but you can leave your info or private messages here.


Thanks,

Agent J
0 Comments , 4 Pending
Weekend from heck
Posted:Jul 22, 2019 6:07 am
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2019 1:51 pm
176 Views

Saturday was not a good day.

I was involved in a car accident. It wasn't a severe one, just a 5 mph bumper to bumper, but still, both the driver and passenger of the auto I hit were complete and total assholes. The passenger kept screaming and swearing at me telling me he was going to sue me, and kept telling me he was going to sue, and the driver, she was a complete bitch.

Needless to say I was a complete nervous wreck.

I felt like shit all day, and I didn't sleep a wink Sunday morning as I had panic attacks all night long.

Sunday was a tiny bit better, but I still felt like shit. Then my ex wife called me later that evening to tell me that her father was in the hospital for sepsis and pneumonia. Out of all her family members, he's the only one that actually talks to me after the divorce and he's actually a fairly half-way decent guy. And I normally don't medicate myself, but last night I could barely sleep, so I took a sleep aid and tried to knock myself out because I was afraid I wasn't going to sleep last night either.

Either way, the whole weekend was messed up. I even tried to see if I could get together with some friends and they all blew me off on Saturday and Sunday, so needless to say, it was a shit weekend all around.

And this week looks to be a busy one. Regardless, I'm a wreck. I don't know how I'm functioning right now. Between the accident, my mom's health, my dad's health, and everything else going on, I am barely hanging on at the moment. I hate feeling like this. I'm struggling to focus on the positive stuff in my life and I feel like I keep getting knocked down. How do you cope when you feel you life is barely functioning?
7 Comments
The talk I didn't want to hear.
Posted:Jul 19, 2019 6:44 am
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2019 5:53 am
889 Views

Yesterday I talked with my mom about her chemo treatments. It really scared me yesterday.

My mom is in her 10th treatment. She has to do a total of treatments before the doctors get her into a cat scan to see if the cancer is gone. Here's the thing...after her treatment is fully done and she does the cat scan, she's off of the chemo for a period of 3 months to recover. However...if the cancer isn't fully cleared out...she still has to wait 3 months to recover, and then they put her on chemo again. But the problem is...in those 3 months, the cancer can get worse. They can't operate on her to get the cancer out because her cancer has spread to multiple areas in her colon and lymph nodes. They would have to gut her like a fish in order to get it out, and that's not possible.

My mom has already said that if they don't clear the cancer out of her with the chemo these next two treatments, and the cat scan reveals the cancer is still there...she's not going back on another 6 month round of chemo. She's going to ride it out and then let the cancer take her naturally if that happens.

I understand what she's saying. But the finality it was scary. It was hard to take in and accept it. All I can pray for is that the cancer is gone and she beats it. But I don't know if that will happen. And if it doesn't happen, then I have to accept the mortality of my mom's passing.

I've talked about this before, but seeing her go through this is so difficult. In a sense, I am my mother's caregiver. I've had to deal with helping her to the bathroom, cleaning up the puke, changing her bedding because she pissed in her bed because she couldn't get up in time to make it to the bathroom, helping her up and down stairs, getting her meds. It kills me to see her this way.

I've been sitting her for over a half hour now trying to come up with something else to say and I can't think of anything to end this post. Something positive, something upbeat, something filled with hope, and I can't. I just can't.
11 Comments
random bullshittery
Posted:Jul 18, 2019 6:51 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2019 6:19 am
892 Views

Today we start up with the massive heat here in Chicago. We were expecting temps around 97 today with a heat index of 0, but this morning we got a huge line of thunderstorms that rolled in this morning which should keep things cool a bit in the morning. However in the afternoon, those clouds will clear and it will be a bitch today as we'll feel like we're swimming in air with all of the humidity. Not looking forward to the heat and humidity, but it is summer.

********

Had a rough night sleeping as my mom was crying in pain today. She just finished her th chemo treatment and now she's on a 24 hour Neulasta. It's not the chemo, its the Neulasta that makes her sick as a dealing with the effects of the 48 hours of chemo she takes. That or it takes her 24 hours to feel the effects of the chemo. Either way, she was sick as a this morning. It was hard watching her this morning when she's like that. It wears on you seeing her like this, but I feel so bad because she's in miserable pain.

********

I texted my Tuesday to see how her college Intro to Pre-Med conference is going and Wednesday morning she texted me back saying "It's great, but please don't bother me, I'm busy, so leave me alone." Both I and my ex dumped in over thousand dollars to for the conference, plane fare, for the trip, clothes to wear on the trip (she had to wear business attire for the days), and no thank you's, just "leave me alone, I'm busy." I get that you're busy, but you can't take seconds to talk to your dad via text and give me attitude after we had to sacrifice paychecks and I had to take a peral loan to get you to this conference? When she gets back, we're gonna have a talk. I'm not happy with her at the moment.

********

My rankings here at TV TS Dating have fallen. I took off a lot of time the past couple of weeks, and as of late, I haven't had much to talk or blog about other than focusing on my family as of late. I really haven't gone out, done much this summer except work and family issues, taking care of my mom, taking care of my ...I haven't focused on me as of late. What's worse is I've been putting in some serious overtime at work. While that's good for my next paycheck, it's been really taking a lot out of me energy wise. I'm definitely not the young buck I used to be. I ended up stopping last night to get a minute chair massage at a local massage place that normally go to relax, but I ended up feeling worse, and the masseuse said I was super tight in my shoulder and neck region. I should have got a longer massage, but it was all I could this week. I think when I get home tonight, I'm going to take a nice bath to soak and relax. Might have to stop on the way home to get some Ep salt. I also need to take some time to relax at home tonight. No phone, no TV, just chill and relax. What are some ways you use to you relax at home?

********

Well I need to get to work, it won't do itself.
3 Comments
Video and PC games!
Posted:Jul 17, 2019 6:23 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2019 11:12 am
1005 Views

OK I need to get on to a more cheerful and fun subject to take my mind off of things at the house, so I thought I would post on something that maybe everyone has experience with and that is PC and Video gaming!

When I was little, my first experience was with playing with my friends Atari 2600. We would play a bunch of games. Adventure!, Pitfall, Pong, Tank Wars, it was fun, but I never got my own system until I was and we got the Nintendo system, and our first game was Legend of Zelda. Man that was fun to !

As I got older, I ended up buying my own Sega Genesis system and playing that and then getting a PlayStation, Xbox, and then I got my own PC and started playing PC games. The PC games were much better and more involved. My first PC game was StarCraft, and getting a bunch of other PC games like Wing Commander (one of my favorites and had the whole series), Baldur's Gate (loved the D&D games), and a bunch of others as well. I was impressed with the PC games so much, that I started playing more games on PC than on the console games like PlayStation and Xbox, but I still played a bunch of console games as well.

I then started to crave online games, and quickly found how much of a life suck those were but man were they fun to . Asheron's , World of Warcraft, they all were fun to , but then...tragedy struck, and we had a lighting bolt our power system and all of my consoles and my PC were plugged in without power surge protectors and it all got fried in an instant. I lost a lot that day and it couldn't be replaced by the homeowner's insurance because we didn't take photographs of the items. I learned an expensive les that day.

Today I don't have any consoles. I have a crappy old year laptop PC that is dying. I'm thinking of getting a new gaming PC, but for now, I've held off on buying anything with the status of my mom. I can't justify getting an expensive gaming PC with my mom's health and me trying to get my bills in order. I hope that will change one day soon, but for now, I miss my PC and video games.

What game was your first video or PC game?
What was your favorite video or PC game that you loved the most?
Let's share your favorite game there as I want to hear your favorites!
6 Comments
Pickle juice is good for cramps? Who knew?
Posted:Jul 16, 2019 7:01 am
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2019 5:58 am
1170 Views

OK so for a while now, I was experiencing some leg cramps during sleeping and man, were they painful! They would wake me up in the middle of the night and there would be some silent screams of pain, trying to not keep up my folks from waking them up in the middle of the night.

So one of my readers read this and suggested bananas which I knew about, but eating a banana in the middle of the night, it would take about 2 hours before the cramps would subside. And before going to bed, I was drinking Gatorade in order to , but I was peeing like a race in the middle of the night in order to deal with cramps. But then same reader suggested something a bit bizarre which through me off.

Drink some pickle juice. The salt brine of the pickle juice has massive amounts of potassium which is used to with cramps. Pickle juice? Really? So in order to further science, I got a jar of pickles, got a shot glass, and drank some of the juice before going to bed. I was skeptical, but I was willing to try anything. downed shot of pickle juice and I got the dill juice instead of the sweet juice. Man, it was a bit weird, and the taste was a bit bleyuck, but...I went to bed, and waited to see what happened.

I am happy to report last night, I was leg cramp free! And I only got up once in the middle of the night to pee, but still I was able to sleep through the majority of the night without having any leg pain or cramps at all! Man, did feel good to get a fairly decent night of rest! Plus I went to bed early so I was able wake up early, shower and shave, and I feel like a normal human being this morning. I'm still drinking Gatorade however, because the next week is going to be blistering hot this week and weekend, and I plan on staying indoors if I can. We're supposed to have temps near 100, but near Lake Michigan with the humidity, the temps will most likely be near 0-1 and miserable outside.

My guess is if you are dealing with cramps, pickle juice is a great way to deal with them and fast, as the body absorbs pickle juice like nothing I've ever heard of and works quickly too.

Many thanks to thax0 for passing this handy tidbit of info down!
4 Comments
Cleaning the carpet
Posted:Jul 15, 2019 6:24 am
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2019 6:59 am
1662 Views

I know you pervs think I went down on someone this weekend. Sorry to disappoint, but this weekend, I went over to my sister's, borrowed a Rug Doctor carpet shampoo device, and my dad and I cleaned mostly all of the carpets in the entire house this weekend. So if you thought this was a euphemism of me licking someone's pussy, the joke's on you. I almost thought that was going to happen however. I got a call from someone I had messaged early Friday morning, and we talked and she wanted to meet me this weekend. So I asked to meet her Friday evening after I got done seeing my s for dinner. She agreed, and the excitement filled me most of the day in anticipation of meeting her. However, around 6PM, she cancelled because one of her friends was in a car accident, and her friend was panicked, so she had to cancel.

And I'll be honest, this per was the one that cancelled the last time when we were supposed to meet. However, this time I have her actual number. So just this morning I just texted her to say good morning. I don't know if we'll actually see each other or not, but I always feel a per needs a second chance, and she actually replied back to my text, so who knows what will happen here. Maybe I'm a sucker. Maybe not. I'm just trying to actually meet someone this time and just see what happens.

Today I'm feeling a little better. I've been going to bed earlier and it's helped a bit with my sleep. And since that happened, my energy, my disposition, my exhaustion, and my mood swings have helped. I'm still not sleeping all the way through the night, but I've been drinking more Gatorade and my leg cramps have lessened. Its the potassium that I've been missing in my diet that was causing my leg cramps. Also I was skipping out on my multi-vitamins and my vitamin D3 pills, and that was causing me to lose energy. I'm back on it now and I feel a lot better and a little more balanced. I know it sounds weird, but when you're in your 40's reaching for 50, you have to adjust to getting older. The energy you lost when you were younger won't return, so you have to look toward finding things to alter and provide a better balance in your diet so you can help keep the energy you have.

Yesterday was a bit of a weird day as well, as while I was cleaning the carpet in the house, I was really thinking of my . Yesterday she went on her trip to Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore to do a 12 day pre-college course for pre-med. She was nervous to go at first, but she arrived safely and now she's starting her first day today. I was excited, but also a bit nervous for her, because I hope she has a good time and that she can learn a lot there as well. I had given her my St. Christopher medal that my grandfather gave me, and I hope it protects her on her trip. I know, some of you are like it's just a hunk of silver and steel, but for me God does mean something to me.

Well, work is calling. I got a lot to do today. Of course, I still have to focus on my mom today, she starts up another round of chemo today. She's still having issues and yesterday was a bad day for her, but I hope the chemo does it's job and helps her out. And it's the start of another work week. I just hope things are quiet and go smoothly this week.

That's all I can hope for. Thanks for reading. Hope you had a better weekend than I did.
4 Comments
Should I go to a ?
Posted:Jul 10, 2019 6:30 am
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2019 10:54 am
4862 Views

Yesterday I talked to one of my posters here and he suggested that because of my feelings of needing someone physical and because I haven't had sex in a long time, that I might consider seeing a "woman", in order to fulfill my need for intimacy and physical sex.
Now normally I wouldn't consider doing this, paying someone for sex. And I don't look down on sex workers for the most part, because sometimes they fill the needs of people who are lonely. Now, I've never gotten a sex worker before. I have considered it in the past, but never acted on it. The thought of me paying for sex is normally not something I would consider doing. And right now, the thought of me spending over a couple hundred dollars for an hour of sexual gratification...I could be using that to pay down my bills to improve my situation. On the other hand, it's tempting.

So at this time...I'm torn between the idea of actually doing this and not doing it. I really don't know what to do. Part of me wants to do it. Another part of me is saying "Are you sure you want to do this?"

What are your thoughts on this? Would you ever consider using a sex worker? And if you have used one before, what were your thoughts before and after?
5 Comments
Hate feeling like I am now...
Posted:Jul 9, 2019 7:19 am
Last Updated:Jul 10, 2019 1:42 pm
5164 Views

Right now my feelings are very mixed and confused at the moment. On one side, I want to have a relationship and lots and lots of sex. Or just sex. Lots and lots of sex. LOL! Ultimately, I do want a relationship. But when one has gone without real sex, not just stick it in and that's it with no cares in the world or a one night stand, but actual intimate relations with a woman. Being able to look into her eyes, and see that she wants you and you want her, and to feel your heart swell with love because she wants you and only you. That is what I really want. To feel wanted. I could even do without the sex part for a while. It's being wanted by a woman. That feeling is amazing.

On the other side...which I'm on now...my mind is a confused and jumbled mess of things. I don't even think I could comprehend a relationship right now. My mind is a blur of work and taking care of my folks who are both sick and tired and my mom with a host of issues and problems. Plus taking care of my ren. Plus focusing on my bills. I thought that the days off that I was going to have was going to be restful for me. Instead I stayed at home and did nothing but cook and clean and take care of my folks and my family. I got very little rest this weekend. No real getting away or escaping reality or getting away from it all as I felt plagued by my life at home. I still feel like that. Like I'm trapped. Honestly, I want to get AWAY away, if you know what I mean. Like I could escape and go somewhere even if it's for a weekend and just not have to deal with my folks, my s, my bills, everything, and just be in the arms of a good woman and just be held and hugged, and doted on for a while so I could feel like a normal human being. Because right now, I'm not feeling that way. And there's this pain. It's like being in a pit of despair, and I know I can get out, but the feeling of panic has overwhelmed me to where I can't see a way out. I know there is a way out, but I'm so overwhelmed with daily life, I can't focus and see that way out.

I don't know why I feel like this. I'm not in a bad place right now. My bill situation is slowly getting better. I can buy stuff for my s right now. Things are improving in some areas. But others feel like I'm just trapped and I can't get out. What's worse is I still have that feeling like my mind is mush right now and I can't focus. I should be happy I'm working and have a steady job right now, but I'm so lethargic I don't feel like I want to do anything. And that's a bad thing. Yesterday I sat at my desk, and hardly did anything. Work feels like a massive chore.

Have you ever felt like this? If so, how did you escape feeling like this? What did you do to help you out of this haze?
6 Comments
96 hours, part dos
Posted:Jul 8, 2019 6:34 am
Last Updated:Jul 9, 2019 6:33 am
5416 Views

What a long weekend!

Thursday morning was crazy. As soon as I got up, it was non stop rush as I had to prep everything for the 4th of July party for our house. Plus my dad had something wrong with his foot, so he was incapacitated and could barely move around, so it was all me on Thursday for the most part. Cleaning, getting all of the food prepped, rush over to pick up my sister and her s for the party (their car broke down), and then play host and cleanup again. I was lucky because my sister helped me cook the food and I think somewhere in there I got a half-hour nap in at the party. Then I had to drive my sister and her s back to her home and by the time I got back on Thursday night, I passed out. I will admit, it was a good day however as I was able to have my entire family over for the party, and I know it helped my mom and dad because they were able to have the family over and it brightened their spirits, even thought they were not feeling well. But man I was so exhausted as it was a long day. And at the end, I know fireworks were going off all night, but I didn't care and I think I slept through a lot of it.

Friday I got up early, showered and shaved, and rushed out the door to go and pick up my s only to find that my ex thought I was coming at 4:30PM when in fact I was there at 11:30AM to take them out for lunch. My was still sleeping at 11:30AM, which made me laugh because I used to be like that when I was a and sleep late in the summer. When she finally got up, we drove over to pick up her check at work, and then afterwards we went to lunch and then the mall. I ended up spending way too much money on them as usual, spoiling them, but it makes me feel good knowing I can take care of them now, instead of not being able to do so when I was unemployed. My needed a special dress for picture day for senior year of high school pictures, and my needed...well, wanted his Funko pops that he collects. Afterwards I gave my 100 bucks to help her with her trip in which she's going to Baltimore to study in her pre-med course she was selected to go to, and she's super excited, because it's her first real trip away from home. I'm proud of her, but at the same time, I'm a bit nervous and worried, and I hope she gets back home safe.

Saturday I actually felt relaxed for the first time since I was off. I slept late and took care of my folks. Plus my sister dropped off her rug shampoo carpet cleaner, and I went to town cleaning all of the rugs in the house. It seems our was marking her territory, and with the fireworks she pee'd a lot in the house due to her being scared. So the house smelled like pee. But after I got the carpets cleaned, it smelled a lot better and I got the high traffic areas looking a lot better than they normally had been earlier with dirt tracked on them.

Sunday felt weird. I knew it was my last day off, but I didn't have any plans with the exception of seeing the new Spider-Man movie, however it just felt...odd. I watched a lot of TV and the Women's World Cup final which was cool seeing them win, but I just felt in a haze. I wanted to do so much for the time I was off and instead I ended up working at home a lot and not doing much of anything. I did on Sunday however get out to catch the movie, but I just felt like I wasted 96 hours of free time that I wanted to do and didn't get a chance to do much of anything except chores around the house. And I felt like I needed another 96 more hours to actually do the stuff I wanted to do, but instead, now I'm back at work and it's a Monday. But I will say that part of me is glad to be back at work, so I can actually do work and get back to a normal routine again.

In short, all the stuff I wanted to do, I ended up having a party on Thursday, Friday was a day with my s, Saturday was a blur of work and house chores, and Sunday I saw a movie and watch a lot of TV. Not an exciting 4-day weekend. But still a fairly good one just the same. How was yours?
2 Comments
My mind is on vacation mode
Posted:Jul 2, 2019 11:03 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2019 6:20 am
8289 Views

Well, since I got back from my 4 day vacation, and I'm looking forward to Thursday again for another 4 day vacation, my mind is on standby vacation mode. I'm at work right now, and all I want to do is just to pass the time to get through today and tomorrow so I can be off for another 4 days of relaxation. I'm almost kicking myself that I wish I had taken more days off, but if I can just ride out the rest of today and tomorrow, I should be ok.

The problem is that all I want to do is sleep or relax or not do work. In fact even typing this blog is a chore today. My brain is in such a fog, that just typing this is a chore at the moment. And I hate that feeling. Sometimes I can it by slapping my face cheeks several times hard in order to force myself to wake up, but even that today didn't help much. I'm just so lethargic today. I just want to put in my time, do the minimal amount today and get through the day as quickly as possible.

I'm hoping this will pass soon, but I think this week is basically screwed as I don't want to do much of anything for the next 27 hours so that way I can start up another 96 hours of relaxation. What's worse is I catch myself focusing on stuff to do this extra long weekend. I definitely want to catch the new Spider-Man movie out this weekend with my s along with spending time with my s. Just not sure what I want to do though other than that. I also want to go and do some swimming this weekend. Nothing better than being in the water on the 4th of July, however Lake Michigan is freezing. Maybe I'll take the s swimming or something at a local pool.

What are your plans for this weekend? Maybe I might steal one of your ideas and do something different. Anything special you like to do on the 4th of July weekend?
2 Comments
96 hours
Posted:Jul 1, 2019 6:21 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2019 11:17 am
8449 Views

Well, as soon as I Wednesday evening ended, I did a whole lot of nothing. But it was a good whole lot of nothing.

Thursday I woke up late. Only to have one of my co-workers contact me to get some server blades working. So I called my boss, and my boss said he'd handle it and apologized for me being disturbed on my vacation time off. Around 1PM I got my eye exam done and knocked out of the way, and I have a new set of glasses being ordered which should come in about another days. My eyes are ok, but my vision degraded more, so its a new prescription. And I had my pick out my new frames, because she said they would look better on me. She helped me pick them out ahead of time from the previous week before. After , I did some grocery shopping and picked up some well needed things from the store.

Friday, I got up and the clouds were overcast, but it was still a warm day, so I was able to pick up my s and we went to the beach. We hung out there for a couple of hours, relaxed, I got some sun, and we had a good time just chilling Lake Michigan. I also bought some sandwiches and some drinks and made it a picnic by the beach which was cool.

Saturday I did absolutely nothing and it was glorious. I watched the entire sea 2 of Daredevil on Netflix, and I made a nice Italian chicken vegetable pasta salad because it was so damn hot outside, I couldn't go out to do anything.

Sunday, had a major storm roll in in the afternoon, so I spent my day watching part of Sea 3 of Daredevil and doing laundry. Plus I got some KFC for dinner. As I get older, I'm noticing KFC is more greasy than anything, so I didn't eat as much of it as I liked. I wanted grilled, but my mom is stubborn and likes original recipe better.

Throughout the whole weekend, I didn't look at any internet or phone hardly throughout the weekend. I think I needed because I just needed to get away from technology for a while and catch my breath and just relax. I didn't watch any news either, which I think helped my stress levels drop considerably. My whole 4 days off was nothing but me trying to unplug and unwind and I did a pretty good job for the most part just trying to get myself centered and back to normal.

On the plus side, I have another 3 day week this week and another 4 days off due to the early holiday weekend, which I most likely will be trying to figure out what to do again. But it was great to just get away and not do much of anything. However, I'm back for now and posting again for the time being.
4 Comments

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Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date
Weekend from heck (11)SexySexySophie
Jul 22, 2019 10:05 pm
random bullshittery (4)pocogato12
Jul 22, 2019 9:14 am
Video and PC games! (9)pocogato12
Jul 22, 2019 9:08 am
Pickle juice is good for cramps? Who knew? (6)pocogato12
Jul 22, 2019 9:04 am
Should I go to a prostitute? (7)pocogato12
Jul 22, 2019 9:00 am
The talk I didn't want to hear. (22)RyuFujin
Jul 19, 2019 9:58 pm
Cleaning the carpet (7)thax013
Jul 15, 2019 10:47 am
Hate feeling like I am now... (13)thax013
Jul 10, 2019 1:27 pm
96 hours, part dos (3)RyuFujin
Jul 8, 2019 8:32 pm
My mind is on vacation mode (2)Livin_my_Life14
Jul 2, 2019 8:14 pm
96 hours (10)firebird9743
Jul 1, 2019 10:05 am