Head Splinters
 
Splinters of thoughts from my mind or from my inner demons.
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Who I am, understanding my blog and life, my first post.
Posted:Sep 18, 2012 10:09 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2019 6:53 am
49741 Views

I was re-reading some of my blogs from ... forever ago. This is my very first post. It says who I am. I have lost most of my watchers from back then, and gained a few new ones. I felt this post is important ... it deserves to be my introduction.

Here it is, [post 2445216] Also, a lot of my older first posts I consider decent to good reads, flip to the last pages if you would like to read them.

Adding my Philosophy on Life Life, as the road
And my Perality Type based on TV TS Dating's info. I am The Scholar perality type

And as always, thank you for taking your time to read what I have created.
1 comment
Links to my erotic stories
Posted:Aug 23, 2012 6:33 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2013 1:13 am
49961 Views

These are the links to my erotic stories. The newest are at the top. Oh, and all of these are actual real encounters I had, except the ones with "Day Dream" in the title, those are just fantasies of mine.
Enjoy

and she was tied to a bed continuation (fantasy continuation)
Yep, it's a good morning (rather short story)
[post 3105649]
[post 3096484]
Sulky beast, hidden dom Wild Sex II, The Revisitation
Having a blast at night
Fun little night a while ago
Middle of the night sex
Day Dream
Foreplay is not overrated
[post 2484731]
[post 2465423]
Another Great Day
Wild Sex
[post 2447838]
0 Comments
Positivity Friday
Posted:Jul 19, 2019 9:01 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2019 8:06 pm
38 Views

Today will be a good day.

I crashed and burned emotionally yesterday. Got some help. I think my biggest issue is that I never get any rest. For the last 26 days, I have rested 1 day, and worked to make for 25 days. Combine that with going to sleep late. I guess I got used to being sleep deprived. I ended up getting off work early and taking a nap. Then ... chores happened, and I couldn’t get to bed till after midnight. Two steps forward, three steps backward.

Still, I feel better.

My job search for my BA in Accountancy has been having a lot more problems than I had ever expected. I’m thinking of expanding my search, looking at the KC area, OKC, Tulsa. I want to avoid Garden City area, bad experiences there. I figure that will put me with less competition. It will be hard, living so far from my family. But if I can raise my , and get the experience needed to land a good local job, maybe it will be worth it. I think I have two major issues. First, my age. Most are looking for those in their early to mid 20s, not one with gray hair. Legally, that cannot be a factor, but often it still is, just not a stated factor. Second, I do not have any actual accounting jobs. Years doing highly accurate inventory, yes, years running my own business and the taxes with that, yes. Highly ethical and moral Eagle Scout, yes. But no actual accounting job. In school, it always bugged me, that my fellow students were in actual accounting jobs, yet I was always swarmed after class to help explain what the instructor was teaching in a more understandable way. Many of them credit me for them passing our last two Financial Accounting classes.

But, today will be a good day. I will fine tune my resume, retry the job search, expand my search.

After work today, I plan on getting some good craft beer. Stopping by a bbq joint, get stuffed burritos filled with shredded brisket, pork, and a hearty mac and cheese filling. I plan on sleeping after dinner. Maybe just a nap, more chores and errands need my attention ... everything seems to need my attention. They truly do not, but everyone knows they can count on me to get it done correctly ...

Regardless, today will be a good day.

-out-
3 Comments
A little ado about man glitter, a lot ado about blood.
Posted:Jul 16, 2019 12:48 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2019 4:01 pm
88 Views
I just finished trimming up a large siberian elm tree. Every end had 60% to 80% dead. It was quite frankly a pain in my ass, even though I fortunately never got impaled.

I got covered in sawdust, or as my wife calls it: man glitter. I took a picture of what my arm fur looked like after I got cooled down and rubbed off most of it. Yes, I still have my brace on, last night my wife wanted to cuddle immediately upon going to bed. Remembering the night before where she fell asleep, worried about something, as she whimpered in her sleep, I held and comforted her for about 45 minutes before her mind eased up; therefore, I quickly skipped my good night activities on my main phone game, and held off responding to blogs till morning time, in order to cuddle, keep her feeling special and safe. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep with that hand in a bad position, I woke up with it throbbing (even my thumb), so I figured it would be best to put on the brace during work.

Hmm, I wrote a lot more about that then I intended. Oh well

Today was the fourth work day in a row that I had brush slice across my wrists, leaving me licking up my own blood till it stopped flowing. I have enough scars across my wrists that I’m surprised people do not immediately assume I am a suicide risk. (I came to terms with that back in high school. I will not, and try to help those going through those issues). Anyway, while tasting the blood. I remembered putting a hard NO on blood on my profile. Why did I do that? I bleed daily. I have trouble feeling physical pain. While playing, I have had my back scratched leaving blood a few times. If some sexy woman wants to play vampire, why not? Then I remembered that it tends to be a two way street. Just because I am clean, and she might like to taste me, does not mean that she is clean, or that I would like to taste her blood. I’m actually squeamish, I cannot stand to see squirting blood, as long as it is not squirting, I can usually handle it. I try not to look at my hardness after period sex, and I try not to smell the blood during it. Early on, I earned my red wings, but that stopped fairly soon. She would rather not see my face after, than enjoy having me lick her during that time. I am not sure I could do that again. Hmm, back when my inner beast was being coaxed often by my wife, he occasionally bit her lip ever so slightly, specifically to draw blood. Get it on his lips, savor and lick it while pile driving her with his ... mine ... (ours?) cock. One of the few times I got a full orgasm from her, instead of just climaxes, from just sex.

So I guess I have done blood , in an unconventional way for an unconventional kink. Meanwhile, I have never had anyone talk about blood on this site.

Has anyone actually met up with someone that desired blood ?
1 comment
Everyone needs a good side piece.
Posted:Jul 15, 2019 8:55 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2019 8:07 am
421 Views
First off, what in the heck are the site monkeys doing?!? For the past few weeks I have watched my posts and comments steadily decrease. Today I noticed that a few of my erotic story links are no longer links, because those posts are gone, including all the comments attached to them. I recently lost one consistent silent watcher, a young lady from New York that had been viewing my profile around 2 to 3 times a week since I wrote my second story around ten years ago. I always assumed that she had bookmarked one of my stories and had been using it to help her jill off, which is awesome, part of the rea I wrote them. I am thinking that her bookmarked story recently was removed, which invalidated her bookmark; thus why she no longer visits my profile 2 to 3 times a week. (Even during my year break).

Ok, with that of the way, here is my side piece, my most useful tool. A long arborist saw, strapped to my leg. While climbing, it is very easy to access to cut tree suckers of my way, instead of just physically busting through them and slicing myself up like I did for the first years. When chipping brush on the ground, it is easy cut off branches and logs that would have a difficult time going through the wood chipper. Often I get made fun of wearing it by my coworkers, yet every single of them have asked use it multiple times, so instead of them making fun of me, they can suck my dick .. nah, that would reward those fuckers.

Conversely, I constantly have it mistaken for something else whenever I go into a convenience store or fast food place. Often it is another customer complimenting me on such a huge knife! Other times customers wonder if it is some long pistol ... ? another time, an armed security guard was ready take me down and , all while I was trying heat up my lunch at the microwave. It took me a while to figure why he was eyeing me so hard, twitching his hands, ready spring on me, for so long. Which is surprising, most everyone does not want fuck with me ... I have made bouncers piss themselves while trying stop me from entering ... funny story. I’m sure it is in this blog, but years ago. Maybe I’ll retell it sometime later.

But the worst confusion, was an employee that asked if I was such a wimp that I felt the need to arm myself with a big gun for self defense. I was like, what in the hell are you talking about lady? She pointed to my saw, That gun there, are you so scared that someone might beat you up? Lady, this is just a saw for work ... Oh, what do you do? I climb trees and cut out everything dangerous, it helps me open up spots to climb. Oh, sorry I thought you were a giant wimp. ...

Funny? Or Ugh?

-out-
2 Comments
A fun night turned into an interesting morning.
Posted:Jul 13, 2019 7:37 pm
Last Updated:Jul 15, 2019 6:09 am
348 Views
Last night, I was pretty worked up. My wife had played earlier, and had a wonderful time. She was so excited about it even hours later during the evening. My nuts had been hurting from being overloaded, so I was glad when we could get bed. She must have been pretty excited also, as she closed the door help prevent one of our s from cock blocking . (As he tries do many times over the last 12 years, Grrrr). We hop in bed, she starts answering texts from all the guys that she allowed conversation, so I start calming down, letting all the anxiety and stress . Soon I am spooning with her, which quickly leads hands groping, and things being stuck where they should be.
She is working those kegels, trying hard milk quickly. Surprising , earlier, she already got flooded, but she has a thirsty pussy, and I will give it what it craves. She is milking like crazy, my body starts involuntarily spasming. I know I am about lose it, but holding back, I manage escape her grip. Flipping her on her back, I plow back into her. Kissing her lips softly, groping her breasts, lift a leg up to thrust deeper. My hips start spasming, I lift her legs up to reach fully into her cervix, grabbing her breasts, I pull her fully onto . DRENCH.

We lay there fondling each other, staring into our eyes, whispering sweet things. Eventually it turns into round 2, ending with emptying my poor overfull balls again into her. We fall asleep cuddling as best as we can, in the warmest parts of the massive wet spots on the sheets.

I am woken up, early in the morning. She seems concerned. Seems another friend of hers had a bad night and needs to talk. Sleepily, I ask if this is just a ruse from him to get her to come to him so he can fuck her again? She swears that it is only for talking, nothing more. Heh, yeah right, every “just talking” always turns into her taking cum. But she’s insistent, he needs a friend right now. She’s a good friend ... so I throw on some shorts, walk move my car so she can take her big SUV, who cares what the neighbors see, it’d just make them jealous anyway. I go back sleep.

I am woken up with her sliding back in bed with . She is flush. Says that she helped him. I kind of snort, and state, you two played. Yeah, she couldn’t hide it. She started talking about how good it was. He choked her, and made her orgasm so hard. I find out they laid the back seats down, and laid on them. I was so excited. I popped her a couple of times with my cock as she described how, he fingered her. I looked questioningly, fingered? No fucking? Oh no, no fucking, he just wanted get off.

My mind starts sabotaging . How is he so good with his fingers? I am pretty good, but never this kind of reaction. He is better than . He can be better than , that is alright. I am much better with my cock, instead of fingers. But ... he is true dominant. He tells her what and how, and she gladly jumps it, juices flowing. Why can I fake being a dominant? I have tried, but it just feels hallow and her ... I remember my first FWB. Naively, I grabbed her throat in the middle, just as my wife loves, just as I had read that most women like. A firm grip, so she can feel it, but not tight enough show that she has all the power over . She froze. I removed my hand. We talked. She had bad experiences similar that, so her neck causes her freak. I asked is she had freaked. No, she knew she was in control. First time she never freaked from that. Probably from my calming, safe, aura. Good memory, crashed by the thought that my wife never actually talked, or, at most 5 minutes, before he told her to get in the back. (Yeah, I was correct). My insecurities spiked. If he was that in control, if he wanted her all the time, would she let him? My doubts spring up, of course, he excites her in ways I never can.

The entire rea we opened up our marriage. We met early in life, neither really ever dated anyone else. Aside from feeling greedy at being the only ones to experience each other’s amazing sex abilities, we wanted to let each other experience stuff that we could not provide very well. For her. I am a true submissive. It is hard to be dominant. Good aspect, if her dominant friend goes too far, she can tell him to fuck off, and leave. Which is hard to do if he is her husband. Still, all this logic, my inner demons start tormenting me. I’m not good enough. I cannot excite her like that. My eager cock deflates instantly. I am not sexy. I am not needed. I hate myself. I still like feeling her body. I do not deserve to feel her. My torn wrist hurts. I had been using it to hold myself up to see and talk with her. It needs rest, I need rest. I turn. Backing up a little so I can barely feel her with my back. I get a small bit of enjoyment feeling her, even with just my back.

My mind sinks into the toxic negativity that is running rampant in my head. Suddenly, she is caressing my side, she turns and starts spooning with me. Hands entwine. She whispers, I love you soo much, she hugs and cuddles with me. Electricity. My senses are soaring. I’m on cloud 9. Am I so much of a Leo that just a simple few touches and words will totally reverse where my mind is at?!? How fucking lame is that?!? But yes, I am. I would fight anyone for her. I am powerful, dominant, handsome, and ruthless. She WANTS me!

God that is pathetic. Yet it is me.

After cuddling for near 30 minutes. I cannot stand it anymore. I move her back onto her back, spread her legs, and use my hardness full force, techniques I know drive her crazy. She climaxes a few times. I lean down to kiss her while pounding her. She dodges my kiss. Again, dodge, again, dodge. I growl, you sucked him off? She does a quick nod, then quickly says. He never came, just a lot of precum. Fuck, HAH, I’m still better. I growl, I don’t care. I want YOU! I hold her head and kiss her lips. She starts to climax again as I kiss her again. I unload. Shot after shot, draining everything I can as deeply into her. Its leaking all over and I’m still pouring more in her. Finally it slows.

My serotonin starts taking over. I am falling asleep. She asks, how could you do that. I had dick on my lips. Babe, I’ve sucked myself. Dick doesn’t bother . I wanted YOU that moment. Nothing else. We caressed and cuddled. Whispered our love. I’m fading . Then our runs in. No one woke , I have work in 30 minutes!!! WTF?!? Seriously? Then get ready!!!

So I’m getting dressed. She looks , 3 dicks in 2 days, that sounds bad. I correct her, 3 dicks in 24 hours ... OMG, I’m a slut! No baby, your mine, I am just willing share you.

Love,
--
1 comment
It’s life, hugs, play, and crap. Live it and love it.
Posted:Jul 12, 2019 7:33 am
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2019 5:57 pm
686 Views

What a day so far ... First off, my left hand. I decided to put on my brace again, all the torn tendons in my thumb are healed, but there is one last torn tendon in my wrist. The past few days I can tell that I have been overexerting it, the brace helps prevent me from doing that. I also sliced my finger at the knuckle pretty good a few days ago, did a quick duct tape job to prevent the need for stitches. It is healing, but recently it split open again. So I have it wrapped pretty good. Just need the skin to fully meld back. It should turn into another decent scar. Oh well, it’s already on a larger scar where I had torn off all the knuckles on that hand years ago. So, I guess scar on scar ... no real change.

On the way to work, my windshield gets splattered by a sudden local downpour of rain ... nope, car in front of me dumped their soda, and it completely covered my car. God I hate people. People in general, not individuals. There are too many stupid and disrespectful people there, in a large group, they tend to ruin the group. Most individuals are not these people. I like individuals, I hate large, faceless groups of people.

I get to work, the smallest coworker gave me a gourmet donut. He does nice stuff like that. We have a good, friendly, bond. I showed him my appreciation with a big hug. Heh, my big 6’3” self hugging this 4’ something guy. My coworkers started teasing him, so I gave them hugs also. Hard to make fun of someone when receiving the damn thing. They did not like it but fuck ‘em. They cannot stop me, I am the biggest, strongest, guy in the entire department, and I intimidate many of them without trying to. Which is strange, as I am very accepting and friendly to everyone. Anyway, his generosity made me feel good. I miss the days when he first started. He is a better climber than me, a cray little squirrel, running out on limbs I have no chance in hell of getting half my body on without breaking it out. Meanwhile, my big bear body, I can get up in the tree so fast from my long legs, and such a huge wingspan, I get to my spot, and finish half the damn tree. Together, there was no tree that was difficult to trim. We even played with each other. One of us would start a g, and the other would join along. Hound dog, Tainted Love, Walk, a crazy selection where we tried to find a g that the other couldn’t carry.

We cut down a big tree. I was a little distracted, my wife is getting ready to go play with another about this time. Normally I prepare to distract myself during that, so my natural jealousies and insecurities do not run rampant through my head. At work, I cannot distract myself. I am at the whims of the supervisor, and Fridays, they tend to try to do less work to make up for busting our asses throughout the week. Nothing to do, my mind will eat itself. Still, she has been looking forward to this, and there will be some new experiences which I want her to enjoy. So I will accept this for her. Anyway, being distracted, I saw an experienced coworker walk under a big widow maker branch that was just hanging in the tree. He was getting ready to start cutting brush directly under it, all while another coworker was getting ready to knock it loose. I started yelling, he heard me, and saw that I was getting ready to run in and pick him up to carry him out, and took off himself. Then 2 minutes later, I did darn near the thing, and had our supervisor yelling to get my attention. Ugh. That is rare that I mess up (fairly common for me to protect the others though).

Looks like The woman I was talking to only wanted to have me as a sexter. As it appears that is ghosting me now. That confuses me, and saddens me. As normal, I immediately start trying to figure what I did wrong, obviously it must be me. Now, honestly, I cannot find what I did wrong, it was probably just too much for her, so she cut ties before getting in too deep. Still, my mind, I always blame myself harshly. It is what it is.

So. I do not feel sexy, or desirable. Which means that I really am not feeling like sex, which sucks, as my nuts are full and hurt. Nothing new there. Hopefully I will be feeling it later tonight. I usually love hearing the small parts that my wife tells me, then drowning her with my massive loads.

That is all for now,
--
3 Comments
Feeling good again.
Posted:Jul 9, 2019 1:10 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2019 5:16 pm
909 Views

I’m in a much better place, starting get emotionally secure again. Rather than waiting in desperate apprehension, I am allowing my wounds start healing.

The woman I had been chatting with panicked when I started talking about a future meeting. So I am confused. Perhaps she only expected me be her sext friend, nothing more. Perhaps it is just her being young, and not experienced with this lifestyle. Ah well. I would still like her, but would still be weeks away the earliest. Hopefully our expectations will be clearer then.

leads another topic. Often after a few days of chatting, and getting to know one another, I will ask if they have any questions about . Nothing is off limits, I will answer anything honestly. In rooms, I have surprised and intrigued many, mainly because I am so different than most. Yet, in 1 on 1 chats, almost every lady just says, ok, and then never comes with a question. I always wonder about , but try keep from pressing it. Do they think I am attractive enough they do not care about getting know deeper? Or do I not intrigue them enough care about asking anything, just allowing waste time and boredom? Are they flustered enough they simply cannot focus think of anything ask? Or, as I most suspect, is just garnishments after they have already decided the dish enjoy? last one, I guess would mean these questions mean more than them, which definitely could be, basically my Leo side coming , wanting be the full package showman.

Strange I wrote so much about silly questions, but I am a strange one, a broken one, a caring one.

I’m going end this thought train now.
--
5 Comments
Getting to a better place.
Posted:Jul 3, 2019 12:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2019 9:18 pm
856 Views
So far, it has gotten much better. Part of me is still waiting for this to crash again. I guess that would be my negativity part. Part of me is so numb, that it no longer cares, that would be my self preservation part. Most of me is excited, yet still hurting.

Previous, I’ve cut myself, and poured rubbing alcohol upon the wound. The burning pain always reminded me that I was indeed alive, not something else ... some eclectic dream spasm of the brain, or whatever. Yesterday, my finger got a small slice. Blood? Well yes, I guess. I didn’t care about that. I could not remember how I got sliced. I used some alcohol. No burn, no pain, just more blood.

Am I dreaming? Or ... Have I gotten so used to this throbbing pain, that I cannot feel normal pain anymore? The show must go on.

I don’t know. I saw this picture years ago, and it feels true, for me anyway. I just saw it again recently, and saved it. I think one of my issues is that I am polite. Too polite. Too often. I have always cared more for others than myself. Perhaps that is not hot sexy. So I remain cool ... patient, questioning. Does it even matter that I am on this ball of dirt called Earth? Sigh. In the long run. Yes. In the short term, a definite no. I am too good of a follower, a worker, a support system. I do not know if I can be the hot blast of flame. Just the slow, smoldering burn. ... Why do so many women want the aspects that I despise?

I am in a better place. Still emotionally troubled, questioning. I still have holes in my heart, I have just put some wall paper over them. I am still a broken per. I truly hope it improves.
1 comment
Life catch up, scars.
Posted:Jun 25, 2019 7:09 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2019 1:05 pm
941 Views

Well, where to start. Storms have kept me busy night after night. My heart pains are slowly going away. I do not think that is a good thing. I feel ... DONE ... unlike when I embrace the Void, and feel the comforting nothing. Seems I scratched the hell out of my belly at work the other day. No clue when or how. I do not normally feel physical pain, but I can normally remember taking a shot that leaves a cut at least half as big. But, nothing ... oh well. It will heal and leave another scar. I did the counting, and figured I have at least 7,800 scars from this job. Almost all have healed to thin white lines, hidden by my fur. Hell, I even had seven stitches for a cut across my eye from two years ago. Most will totally miss that scar. I heal extremely well ... physically anyway.

My fears are well founded, and correct. Still time to fix them, but is there even the desire to fix them? I hope so. I do not know. I do know that this sucks major monkey balls.

I do not like sucking major monkey balls ...

Not that I ever actually have, but I cannot imagine that would be enjoyable.

I started talking with this young lovely lady. From a gaming site, go figure. We are hitting it off pretty well, though she is a complete novice to the A F F lifestyle. She actually believes me when I told her I am in an open marriage. That shocked me. Every woman I have ever met from A F F has always wanted some proof from my wife’s end that it was true.

Just another reminder that many guys on here are jerks and liars.

I am enjoying talking with her. Perhaps later, I might take a road trip, rent a room, and blow her mind. Still, it is too early to look into that. Time will tell.

I hate waiting on time, but that is the only thing I can do.

So I shall.
1 comment
Seriously, this is emotionally messed up.
Posted:Jun 18, 2019 8:40 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2019 10:41 am
1019 Views
I have been dealing with a ton of emotional pain lately. The cruel life joke, of my co-workers is going into a hard divorce. For the past few days, he has been asking me for advice and support. He is a friend, a friend in need. I do not know how I have been able to put my issues, apprehensions, pain, to the side and help him, support him, encourage him. Somehow I have.

I have done as much as I can. Fortunately he took my advice and got some work sponsored professional help.

I know I give too much of myself . Still, no matter, I seem always have more give. I found this description pretty accurate, for me anyway. It continues on with a guilt trip about hurting . I hate guilt trips, so I cut that . I do like the start of it though.

I wish I had of my solid FWB talk . Reassure me or correct me, even just listen. If nothing else, get my mind off my worries.

But I do not. So I will continue trudge through this. Step by step through the morass. All while carrying and supporting other’s burdens. We will get past the morass.
3 Comments
Doing better
Posted:Jun 17, 2019 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2019 8:09 pm
1024 Views

After a lot of talking, and a lot of emotions. I am in a better place mentally. My heart to a hard lance on Sunday, a new hole to drip pain, still a better place. Not a good place mind you, and I and sitting on shifting sands ... things are out of my hands, and control.

I think that is why I am doing better. I have literally done everything that is within my control. I promised that I would leave myself exposed, keep my breastplate open. That lance Sunday hurt. More lances will come my way. I will take them. New holes will open ... eventually I hope they will heal into nothing more than garish scars.

I got called out to save the city again. Six different emergencies, including one with hundreds of feet of down live power lines. I had to move them out from under the tree that fell, keep them where citizens would not get killed by them. We turned them dead, but never any guarantees.

I am just so tired. Emotional stress, physical exhaustion.

We all went to work out Sunday night. I challenged my big to weight lifting. He has been doing it daily for two years for football linemen strength, I have been doing cardio for the last 5 months. I tied his max squat at 315 pounds. I felt good about that. My wife was very impressed. Nothing like lifting a bar that is already bending from the weight.

I posted a video of a massive load from me, I was shocked when I recorded it. As I almost blasted my camera, there is a loud splat as my second shot nearly hit it. I am sure that I will get many guy’s adoration and messages, like each of my other videos always do. I am always humbled and appreciative of my gay followers. You keep being awesome now! - and no, I still do not swing that way -

-out-
1 comment
Stepping back - needing to get this toxin out.
Posted:Jun 14, 2019 8:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2019 9:29 pm
1044 Views

I don’t know. Seems I have been not knowing for a long time.

Confusion ... doubt ... bad self image ... projections ... hurt ... pain ... elation ... happiness ... job ... apprehension ... dread ... repeat

I am hurting ... having been hurting.

The blood that runs down my hand and arm feels so much better than the imaginary blood pouring from the emotional holes in my chest.

I should not meet at this point, it would not be fair to the lovely lady. As if I even could get another lovely lady interested. My wife would support it, be excited for it, but I am not in a place where I feel I should ... or that I could.

I just don’t know.

Waiting is the hardest part.

I would much rather just rip the bandages off, let the blood flow, heal, recover ... damaged as I might be.

I cannot rip this.

I should go back to the embrace of the void, enjoy the feelings of nothing. I have taken that company.a few times when feeling hurt too much.

I cannot ... to do so will surely destroy me ... so I will not.

I will fight ... fight my losing battle, against an enemy I cannot hurt ... till I yield in shame. The conclusion is inevitable. I see it clearly, in a life I could never imagine.

It feels like my soul itself is ripping.

Friends I counted on and relied upon, were no friends of us. My heart has hardened in that direction. No more pain from that.

I will recover ... maybe ... someday ... soon ... later ... difficult ... no desire to.

Maybe this is all for naught? Maybe this is to extend the torture till I rip myself apart.

I will know, once the waiting is over ... I will accept the conclusion ... I must, so I will.

I just do not know.

It hurts

-out-
1 comment

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