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Bittersweet
Posted:Apr 23, 2019 3:54 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2019 2:20 pm
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It's now less than one week until the ten year anniversary of my husband's death. This is incredible to me ... that much time has passed, and I'm still here to write about it.

He died suddenly of a heart attack. He was home alone when it happened; I had the unfortunate luck of finding him when I got home from work. That is a hard, hard thing to describe ... the confusion of finding him still and quiet, the panicked call to nine-one-one, the wild attempt at CPR, the arrival of the EMTs and paramedics. The impossibly long time, as in a dream, of them working on him only to declare that he was gone. I knew he was gone when I found him, and the attempt to resuscitate him was more of a futile attempt, a blind grab at hope, that a miracle could be performed.

I remember calling his sons to come to the house as soon as they could. They needed to be there, not for me, but for themselves ... to have just a few last moments to see their father before the funeral home came to transport him. His youngest son and wife are quite religious, so we said a prayer together. I think it gave us a bit of closure, although the wound of his passing was far, far too fresh.

This morning I woke in the hazy hours before sunrise, thinking about a couple things about our life together. Almost dreamlike and typical of most of my dreams, I don't even remember what those things were, but I remember waking up feeling ... conflicted, sad, happy... The anniversary of his death has been on my mind I guess, and naturally surfaced a bit in my semi-conscious moments.

Two of my stepsons live close, and want to meet for dinner together soon to celebrate, to mourn, to support each other on this anniversary of sorts. I'm afraid they'll want to go to the cemetery and I'll lose it. I am in control of myself in all other circumstances except when I go there. It's a vivid and graphic reminder of my loss, despite all the other hours and days when I can smile about my love.

I think of all the other people on this site who were widowed, and especially those who had good marriages when they lost their spouse(s). My heart goes out to them.
11 Comments
Just a ramble ...
Posted:Apr 21, 2019 5:21 am
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2019 2:19 pm
590 Views

Posting in the Comments to avoid the TV TS Dating glitches...
5 Comments
A bit of trivia for the day ...
Posted:Apr 21, 2019 4:49 am
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2019 8:16 am
575 Views


The medical term for ice cream headache is sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia.

pc: unknown
4 Comments
FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
Posted:Dec 9, 2018 5:36 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2019 1:19 am
10504 Views

I realize that I am treading some very dangerous water here by sharing this particular blog entry, but as the expression goes ‘the truth will set you free.’ Consider this a rare rant about something serious, something about sex, and something besides the frivolous commentary usually seen in blogs here.

Many of the profiles posted on this and similar sites contain the phrase “D&D free,” or similar wording. I don’t dispute that the owners of those profiles intend for that phrase to assure their potential lovers that no nasty bugs will pass during coitus, but it’s a weak bit of reassurance, IMO. Unless you are tested immediately before having sex with someone, and get those results immediately, your previous status means very little, especially since the standard tests are usually limited to about 6 different diseases, and there at least 30 actual STDs/STIs. Test results are only as good as the day your samples were tested; if you have sex the day after, you run the risk of becoming less-than D&D free. Nevertheless, I get it. It’s intended to imply … safety .. and the person in the profile is probably hoping that the self-labeling will get him/her laid quicker or more often.

Pfftttt.

From the perspective of a person with an incurable (but quite common) STD, please let me share my thoughts.

I contracted HSV2 from someone over 30 years ago and I didn't even know I had it until I had a breakout after I became a mother (the change in my personal biology probably triggered the breakout.) Sexual safety wasn’t as big an issue then as it is now, at least not in my social circle. The bigger concern was an unwanted pregnancy. I don’t know who gave it to me, and I’m not sure if he even knew he had it. Regardless, he was guilty of spreading an STD, and I was guilty of naivete and not asking the right question beforehand. Done and done.

But let’s put one thing right out there and dispel some misconceptions. Well, maybe a couple of things.

First, it only takes ONE sexual experience to contract a disease. It could be your first sexual encounter, or your 500th … it just takes one time with someone who carries a virus or a bacteria that could be passed to you. This is not a morality issue people … STDs are a fact of life, and everyone who is sexually active is subject to contracting something, sometime in their lifetime. And on the issue of morality … check any ‘holier-than-thou’-ness at the door. Consensual sex is not the only way to contract a disease; if you are a child you are just as likely to contract HSV1 by getting a kiss from your great Aunt Martha when you’re a kid and then guilty if you spread it as an adult to someone you have oral sex with. And lest we dare forget, victims of sexual assault are often the unluckiest of the unlucky … they are crime victims but can also be the unwilling recipient of STDs in the process. So much for your moral judgments.

Second … it rankles me that a person without an STD (or perceived to have no infectious disease) calls themselves “clean,” while anyone with an STD is considered the opposite … “dirty.” This is how slut-shaming, stereotypes and bad jokes are allowed to exist unchecked. Consider that STDs or STIs have been at all-time highs for the past several years, and then decide if it’s wise to point the finger. How many people are guilty of spreading infection because they are in denial about their own health, too scared to disclose to potential partners, or just don’t give a damn about anyone else except themselves? How many of your friends or relatives may be silently suffering when the horrible jokes are made and everyone laughs about STDs, or when you brag about your own ‘cleanliness?’

I disclose to anyone I might be considering having sex with, if our relationship gets to that level, and I don't take it lightly. It is the right thing to do. And yes, it gets me shut down most of the time. And yes, I will get some email or responses to this that will consist of name-calling or lectures, telling me I’m dirty, disgusting or whatever other self-righteous beratement they can come up with. But that’s okay. I’d rather take the high road than be accused of being deceitful. I’d rather give a potential lover the choice, because I wasn’t given the choice and I have paid the price. WIth medication, use of condoms and avoidance during times when I am most likely to pass an infection, there is only about a 1% chance of me spreading my illness to a partner. I was married for 32 years and my late husband never contracted it. Much better odds to have sex with me than with someone who doesn’t know their risk factor, or worse, who knows and doesn’t disclose to you. Just saying...

Don’t tell me you’re sorry about my situation, and don’t give in to the hype. Speak your truth and support others who are not brave enough to speak their own truth yet.

The truth will set us all free.
8 Comments

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Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date
Bittersweet (12)justskin1
Apr 23, 2019 7:16 am
Just a ramble ... (5)Eviloutlaw1
Apr 22, 2019 4:36 am
A bit of trivia for the day ... (4)backpocket13
Apr 21, 2019 5:39 am
FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE (13)need2knowit2
Apr 18, 2019 5:00 am