Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
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The forever drug
Posted:Feb 13, 2019 5:56 pm
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2019 7:23 am

So this guy comes up to me and he goes "You're an internet sex freak right ?" and before I could answer he plowed on "What's that kind of swinging called where just the man has sex with another woman and that woman's husband doesn't get to have sex with your wife ? And also your wife doesn't know it's happening ?"

And I said to him I said "Cheating ?"

He didn't think that was it .

One time there was this movie called "As Good As It Gets" . It was okay . In that movie the establishing character moment for Jack Nicholson's character is a female fan of his writing asks him how he is able to write female characters so well and he responds "I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability."

Ouch . I generally think that men should avoid having female protagonists , unless the protagonist is so 2 dimensional that it really doesn't matter because it ends up seeming very forced to me . I don't know how to articulate it exactly but it just always seems off - like someone trying to describe something in detail only having seen a picture of it . I mean obviously some writers have the knack but as a rule I would say don't mess with that .

Some people would say "Yeah dummy , write what you KNOW" but that's mildly silly . Because if you went by that rule 99% of books would be about middle class white people who face little to no adversity of any kind . I mean the Lord of the Rings is pretty popular and I'm pretty sure Tolkien never fought the dark lord Sauron . Although that would be an interesting twist if that was all true and he was chronicling some weird wormhole deal he fell through .

One time there was this movie called "The Sixth Sense" which was pretty good . For a while after that movie came out it was en vogue to show a character was kind of a douche by having them claim to have "figured out" the 6th Sense right away . It's too late now because that movie came out forever ago but I think it would be funny to have a character that saw the 6th Sense but still doesn't get it .

"So what do you think was going on with that movie ?"

"What do you mean ?"

"What was that weird scene at the beginning about ? Where the guy breaks into Bruce Willis house ? And why did his wife never speak to him ?"

"Uh . . . because he was a ghost ."

"Maybe , but I just think it's strange that like he couldn't open that one door - what was that supposed to mean ? Was it like a metaphor ?"

"No , they literally said he was a ghost , he was dead the whole time . They said it in the movie ."

"Yeah , but I'm wondering like what was really going on . Like there's another level to it or something ."

"I think he was just a ghost , they showed the scenes at the end to point out all the clues to him being a ghost . He died in that first scene . They showed the bullet wound ."

"Yeah , he was ghost but I think there was like a twist right ? Like why did no one but the kid ever look him in the eye ?"

And so forth .

I went to see the Lego Movie 2 last night . It was amusing but it wasn't nearly as good as the first one or Lego Batman . I kind of expected that though , it seemed more kid -centric which is a weird thing to say about a movie about Legos I know .

I kind of wanted to see Cold Pursuit but then Liam Niesen said that thing so I think that's enough of him .

Alita Battle Angle looks like the worst movie ever that I would have loved when I was 13 .

Captain Marvel should be pretty good , it's been long enough that I'm over my Marvel movie fatigue . Still pretty excited about Pet Semetary . And then I have to wait until May 31st for Godzilla . What will I do ? Where will I go ?

I told you this blog was just going to be about movies from now on .
Time is just a counting system
Posted:Feb 11, 2019 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2019 7:26 am

A few people have asked me if I'm going to see the movie "Fighting With My Family" which was mildly annoying in the same way it is when people ask me if I'm going to see a comic book movie . Outwardly I think "just because I like something doesn't mean I'm going to consume every media about it" but the real reason is probably just that I don't like people knowing things about me .

I wasn't really interested at first because it's WWE films and they're awful and most wrestling movies in general are also awful (except the Wrestler which is fantastic) but seeing more trailers has kind of swung me around and I probably will see it .

The girl in the movie looks a lot like Paige and I wondered if that was intentional - which is when I found out that IS about Paige , it's a dramatized version of the documentary about her also called Fighting With My Family that came our several years ago . I wonder why they're not promoting that angle at all .

Anyway , just recently I watched a more recent documentary about Paige . For some background as I blogged once a few years ago a dude hacked the phones of a bunch of WWE women and posted their nude pictures online - because I guess everyone had nude pics on their phone now which I don't get but I'll stop harping on that . Mostly it was "just" nude selfies but with Paige there were also several videos of her having sex , and in a move that grossed out all her co-workers one of her BF at the time jerking off on the women's title belt . Not cool lady .

After this turn of events she started drinking a lot , then she started with the drugs , failed a drug test , got suspended from wrestling , failed more drug tests , refused to get treatment and was ultimately fired . Also she start hooking up with a real dirtbag of a fella . During this time she had stress-induced anorexia for which she was hospitalized and talked about how depressed and (banned topic) she was .

This documentary was about how after all that she got her shit together and got back into wrestling - only to suffer a career ending neck injury a few months later .

My honest reaction to all this is that while having a sex tape released to the world is surely humiliating it doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing that would result in a total life spin-out . And I can only assume that's because I'm a man . Case in point in one of these videos she was having sex with a dude who's also in WWE and his life just sailed on merrily .

But while I don't want to diminish what she went through or be a victim blamer (although clearly I'm doing both) I am curious what women think about this . because I feel like plenty of women would be able to shrug this off .

The other thing I wonder is why it seems somewhat typical that when a woman is in a bad headpspace she often gets involved with dude that makes everything worse . Why is that ? When you're being self-destructive do you just want to go all the way ?

She mentioned that after the videos were released that she was cyberbullied . I don't really know what to make of that either . If there's footage of you having sex out there in the world people are probably going to talk about it right ? Again , I know this all horrible what I'm thinking but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way .

I just don't know .

When I mentioned this phone hack before I admitted that I had looked at some of the pics on the old p-hub and I wondered if that made me a horrible person . I don't remember anyone saying either way at the time , probably because the only people that usually comment are my dear friends IRL but I do wonder what that says about me .

Surely nothing good . But I still did it . You know ?
Meet cutes - 10 bucks a pop .
Posted:Jan 21, 2019 11:37 am
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2019 4:47 pm

If I know anything it's that if you're with someone the important thing is how you met . In fact in may be the only thing that matters . Your man/woman/other may be the most loving and caring and kind person in the world but if you don't have a good story about how you met they might as well be a pile of puke .

This comes to us from the movies , and if there's one thing we like it's imitating movies . imitating the movie Unfriended right now . They started doing it to save time , a movie has to get their couple set up right away to fit within 90 minutes or so - they can't waste a lot of time so they wrap the whole thing up into one establishing character moment . Typically they crash into each other in a hallway and papers fly about .

The problem is that IRL most people meeting in boring (we were both at this bar) or embarrassing (he's my mom's gynecologist) ways . But if you want to knock your friends on their god damn mother fucking asses with how cute and awesome your meeting was you can just lie .

And here to facilitate your deception .

Check out these daisies .

You were in the pornography store , buying pornography , and you reached for a copy of Big Booty Cheerleaders #3 at the same time as he did and your hands touched accidentally . He insisted that you have it , so valiant , and you suggested that you both go back to your place and watch it . So you did and then 8 minutes in he excused himself to use the restroom and you figured you had time to masturbate while he was gone . But you underestimated the time it would take you reach climax and he walked out of the bathroom right in the middle – you know , the MIDDLE . Yours eyes met and then you both burst out laughing . And the rest is history .

You were the second unit assistant director on “Mind Games” season 5 episode 3 of Burn Notice on which he played the role of ‘Motorcycle Dealer’ . He was standing by Coby Bell’s trailer between takes and you were looking down at your phone so you started giving him the sheet for Coby’s shooting schedule and he cracked a joke about not being as handsome or as important as Coby Bell . When you looked up you were totally humiliated about your mistake but he was a total sweetheart about it . And the rest is this history .

You were at a local music show , shouting at the band for their awful singing , which attracted the attention of the band manager . When you saw him looking at you began to singing beautifully what developed into a Bollywood/Hip-hop/Gospel remix of Pretty Woman . A giant American flag dropped down behind you and the band started playing background music and the entire crowd joined in the dance . And the rest is history .

You went into a municipal tunnel to get across the street from where you work to the courthouse to file some paperwork for your youth advocacy program and when you were in the tunnels you decided to check out one that you had never gone down . You passed through a one-way wormhole to the Cloud Gate in Chicago . You called a Uber to take you to the airport to get home and you and driver really hit it off . And the rest is history .

You were at the Angelica Theater watching High Plains Drifter and you thought you were the only one in there so when the scene with Callie Travers and the Stranger came on (you know the one) you exclaimed “yeah , get her !” and then you heard someone laughing behind you . You realized you weren’t alone and were super embarrassed but then he said “That’s my favorite scene too” and then you invited him to move down and sit with you . Afterwards you went for coffee and the rest is history .

You were waiting for the elevator reading an article about Driscoll “the Clam” Begenzhi and he came around the corner in hurry and you were both startled . He tried to spin away and ended up elbowing you right in the tit – without even thinking you reacted by kicking him in the dick . You were both on the ground in agony when building security ran up and you both started laughing . And the rest is history .

You were doing the sound mixing for “On to the Next One” to be used in the movie All Blowed Up and he was the supervising digital colorist coming in to do ADR with a voice actor to cover the lines of Candice Patton in these scene where Lord Huran gets decapitated because the boom was too far away to pick it up and it turns out that you had both booked the booth for the same time because of a glitch in the scheduling program . At first you started arguing about it but then you both started laughing about the situation . And the rest is history .

You had a small role in Under the Skin and while you were filming the guy operating the boom got knocked over by Scarlet Johannson’s stunt double who was running after her beagle which had gotten lose . When he stumbled the boom hit you right in the tit and you could tell he felt terrible so you said “Hey is this a boom mic or a BOOB mic” and everyone cracked up . After filming was done you went out for coffee and the rest is history .

You were a werewolf seeking a cure to your deadly curse and you consulted with an gypsy woman who told you of a doctor that may have a cure . Traveling to the castle of his doctor you found it in ruins and the doctor nowhere to be found . But you did find , frozen in ice , a reanimated monster made of stitched-together body parts and you chipped away the ice . Shockingly the creature was still alive . He was able to help you find the doctor’s notes which you worked together to formulate a cure . Then together you attended the Festival of New Wine and the rest is history .
40 pounds of bulk cherries
Posted:Jan 20, 2019 7:44 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2019 11:26 am

Fine I'll shut up about Loki .

Recently I blogged about how the female reboot of Ghostbusters almost caused a gender war in 2016 . Well good news , the gender war is back on !

There's a "secret" Ghostbusters movie in the works . You know it's secret because there's only 15,000 google results about it and a trailer . Sometimes I wonder if people these day know what words mean .

Anyway , this very secret project that no one knows anything about is going to be Ghostbusters 3 - a direct sequel to the original Ghostbusters movies . Ergo it is ignoring the 2016 movie .

And people are getting fired up about it all over again because the female version is being "wiped away" .

I love the original Ghostbusters . It's a great movie . But even if your'e a person who believes that movies are important to society (which I am not) I don't think anyone puts Ghostbusters in the category of important movies that are a cultural touchstone or changed anything . It's just a movie . I'm not quite sure why this of all things has become such an important part of gender politics .

"It's not 40 , everything is a part of gender politics , it just seems like that to you because Ghostbusters is one of the few things you pay attention to ."

Counterpoint - Shut up

Did you know that next month they're releasing a re-make of Jacob's Ladder ? I didn't .

March is Captain Marvel . The In April we have Pet Semetary and Avengers Endgame . May brings us Godzilla King of Monsters . July is Spider-Man . August is New Mutants . The Joker movie is in October . The in December the final chapter of the much-maligned Star Wars trilogy trilogy .

A rather disturbing trend is unfolding . When I go to the grocery store in the earl morn the last few weeks they haven't had and registers open - just the self check out . Which I don't love anyway but with produce I really hate . 100% of the time sometime goes wrong .

Such as I today , I pushed the button for "pineapple" which rang up as 40 pounds of bulk cherries . So then I push the button to remove the item which causes the whole thing to shut down and wait for the 900 year old man to wander over . Which degenerated into some kind of sick "who's on first" type deal with me trying to explain to him that there were no cherries and him asking what happened to the cherries .

I wanted to shout at him "Look with your eyes , do you see any cherries here ? There were never any cherries !"

But I didn't . Because you shouldn't shout at old people .

Alright since this is now a movie blog and there's still some confusion out there here's what happens in Snatch .

Plotline A - Denis Farina hires Benicio Del Toro to rob a diamond exchange in Antwerp . Which he does . Benicio Tel Toro is takign the diamond to Farina by way of London. One of the dudes in on the job with Benicio Del Toro calls up his buddy who lives in London and tells him that Benicio is going to be in town with the diamond and that he should rob him . But Denis Farina knows that that guy and his buddy in London know each other so he tells the buddy to hire the job out to someone else . The buddy hires the black dude from Walking Dead and Fear the Walking Dead to rob a bookie where Benicio will be on account of his gambling addiction . Which they do . The deal was that they would get whatever the bookie had and he would get the case . But the bookie didn't have anything (because of Plotline B ) so they open the case and find the diamond . And they want in on that action .

In the meantime however Denis Farina gets concerned about Benicio Tel Toro getting robbed (which he did) and comes to London and hires the dude who used to be a soccer player to track it down . Which he does . They get the diamond back . But hold on , because the bookie that got robbed belongs to a bigshot underworld jerk who finds out the black guy was the Walking Dead did it and pays him a visit - a murder visit . But the black guy from Walking Dead says "hey don't kill me I can get you a diamond" . So he steals the diamond back from Farina and soccerman to give it to bigshot jerk but Farina and soccerman come back on them for the diamond and in the kerfuffle a dog swallows the diamond and runs off .

Plotline B - Jason Statham is a underground boxing promoter who wants a new caravan to work from . He sends his buddy to buy it from Brad Pitt's band of gypsies . It doesn't go smooth . In the process of working that out Brad Pitt fucks up the dude who was supposed to be in Jason Statham's next fight - which was for the underworld jerk mentioned above . In order for the fight to go on Jason Statham convinces Brad Pitt to take the guy's place - under the orders from underworld jerk that he throws the fight . He doesn't . This doesn't go over with underworld jerk . So another fight is set up , Brad Pitt against some dude and this time he's REALLY supposed to throw the fight . FOR REAL . He doesn't . But instead of underworld jerk guys killing all the gypsies they kill them .

Jason Statham wants to use Brad Pitt for more fights in the future but when he goes to the gypsy camp they're all gone . But he does find a dog . And later the dog shits out a massive diamond . So he takes the diamond to the only guy he knows who does anything with diamonds . Who is the guy that Denis Farina was going to sell the diamond to . Who calls Farina .

The end .

I thought this was just a great movie , but then I watched a documentary - Knuckle - about how gypsies (Travellers as they call themselves) actually do have bare knuckle boxing "matches" to settle feuds and rivalries . Getting called out for one of these things is a BIG deal .
Buffy VS Loki 2 - Prawn of Roughness
Posted:Jan 18, 2019 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2019 7:00 am

I organized a symposium of Buffy aficionados the other night in order to better inform my opinion on the question that's been sweeping the nation . And that was all well and good but I was distracted by a pressing moral issue . One of the speakers mentioned that Buffy had a friend , I want to say Wilma , that learned magic . Now , sure she wasn't as good at magic as Loki but that's not the issue - what was proffered at that time was that Wilma came up with a spell that could trigger the Slayer DNA that lay dormant in people and transmogrify them into vampire killing superfolks .

And so , we must ask ourselves , is that cool ? I don't know how it went down in the show , maybe Buffy and Wilma and one of their other pals (Sammy ? ) went to these people and gave them the lowdown and asked if they wanted to be slayers but for the sake of argument let's just say Wilma just cast the spell and turned them all into vampire-killers without any consultation . When you live in a land infested with damn dirty vampires is that the right thing to do ?

As we learned from Spider-Man with great power comes great responsibility . So I tend to lean towards the side of the coin that says that Superman shouldn't waste time fucking around as Clark Kent , he should be out Supermanning all the time . And that Batman should be sharing all his Bat-technology with the police and funding them with his billions . And so forth .

BUT what I realized is that that doesn't make a lot of sense because we all could be doing more to make the world a better place so I can't really out Black Canary for spending time on her tap dancing lessons without being a hypocrite .

But regardless that's a slightly different issue because these people didn't have any power until Wilma did her voodoo on them . of the opinion that she did the right thing . I mean it sucks if you have the vampire killing gene and you don't want to fight vampires but it's for the greater good . A lot of people don't want to do a lot of things but you are who you are .

I was going to ask the gathered symposions why Tom Hiddleston is attractive but I was surprised to find that no one found him attractive at all . Neither was Tim Tebow deemed to be attractive . This turned into a discussion about how there seem to be a wider range of what's considered attractive in a man whereas what makes a woman attractive is more codified . But , the moderator for this event stated that she felt this was changing and what more different kinds of women were being considered attractive these days . I kind of knew what she meant , but thinking about it it seems like the hottest hotties of the hotness are all pretty much traditionally attractive .

According to a random thing on IMDB the hottest pieces of ass in the game
Scarlett Johansson , Jennifer Lawrence , Gal Gadot , Alexandra Daddario and Megan Fox . Seems pretty standard .

I had no idea who Alexandra Daddario was until I saw a picture , then I recognized her from the one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia she was on .

I played D&D with a lady once who talked incessantly about Gal Gadot and how awesome and beautiful she is .

The Spartans were known for , among other things , very terse replies . Sparta was in an area known as Laconia so this style of speech became known as Laconic .

So this one time as a joke Loki magicked up three Sentinels (giant mutant-hunting robots) into one even bigger Sentinel and set it to destroying New York City . You know , for laughs . Luckily at the time Spider-Man had just been giving the power cosmic by Captain Universe and was able to use this power to stop the Tri-Sentinel . I guess the roughly 100 other NY based superheroes were in bathroom because none of them did anything about it .

Spider-man then decided that he should use the power cosmic to make the world a better place so he grabbed Thor and flew him to a drought-ruined part of Africa and told him to make it rain . Thor said no because he didn't interfere in the affairs of mortals and Spider-Man was all like "Since when ? You interfere in everything all the time !" When Thor started to explain Spider-Man goes "Look , do it right now or going to punch you off the planet ."

Thor did not do it . And Spider-Man , true to his word , punched him so hard he escaped earth's orbit and went into space . Then Doctor Doom flew up and said "Hey Spider-Man why don't you give ME the power cosmic ?" and Spider-Man said "What ? Why would I do that ? You're a local douche ." So Doctor Doom whipped out his power sucking device (if you know what I mean) and starting sucking it all out of Spider-Man . But , as it turns out , it was TOO much power and Doctor Doom exploded (he got better , don't worry) .

But Spider-Man decided he was sick of this bullcrap so he grabbed the power sucker and turned it back on and not only sucked out all the power cosmic but also sucked out all his Spider-Man powers . So then he caught a flight back to the Big Apple and says to Mary Jane "Good news , not super anymore we can just have a normal life" and MJ says "Great , because pregnant !" And Peter Parker is kind of freaked out because he's afraid that she got pregnant with his cosmic power dick .

40 weeks later , wouldn't you know it , that baby slides out with all kinds of power comic . Which is bad , a baby with the power cosmic ? Uh-oh spaghetti-Os .

But then Spider-Man got a new writer and all that of that was just dropped . Spider-Man was Spider-Man again and there was no cosmic baby .

The point is that Spider-Man just left a power sucking device containing both his Spider-powers and the power cosmic sitting around in Africa . Where presumable it was found by a meerkat who returned it to it's tunnel-complex and shared the powers with all it's meerkat friends .

Which is why in the upcoming movie Avengers : Endgame it will not be Captain Marvel that saves the day but rather a super-powered meerkat called Whiskers who will be voiced by Paul Newman .

The company I work for was a faith based organization for decades . Right before I started working there a new management team came in and they were like "Yeah , not that anymore , now we worship money" . Lots of the religious people were laid off or left in righteous anger but there's still a lot of them rattling around .

Sometimes when a group of them are together talking about their beliefs , particularly when they talk about how women should be obedient followers of their husbands I wonder what their sex lives are like .

It's easy to assume that they're not having a lot of fun but there's really no reason that's necessarily true . a dirty heathen so to me it seems like someone who thinks that sex out of wedlock is a terrible sin is probably not a very fun person to have sex with but I could be wrong . It's a total assumption .

I've had a piece of fajita-meat stuck in my teeth for about two hours now . It's resisted flossing , brushing , and a toothpick . It's very close to driving me mad . My tongue is starting to cramp . And not in the good way .
Buffy VS Loki - Dawn of Justice
Posted:Jan 15, 2019 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2019 5:49 pm

The other day someone asked me why I put "Dawn of Justice" after everything which is a stupid question because I don't put it after everything , nor most things , nor even a significant minority of things . I do often use it to follow the format of Something VS Something on account of the 2016 movie film Batman VS Superman - Dawn of Justice . Which was a terrible movie . Like all the movies in the DCU . I don't care how much movie Aquaman made I ain't going .

In 1992 I saw the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer . It was great . I loved it . Then in 1997 I heard it was going to be a show and at first I was both jazzed and pumped , but then I learned Kristy Swanson would not be reprising her role as the titular Buffy and I was out . Sarah Michelle Who ?

Fun facts about the movie - it was produced by Dolly Parton , was filmed in 5 weeks , and apparently Donald Sutherland was a real asshole during said filming .

As a full grown adult man many trusted people have told me I should watch Buffy because I would "love" it . Sidenote anytime someone tells me I would love something I am skeptical right off the bat . When someone tells me that I "have" to see something because I would "love" it I kind of already hate it . A much more effective pitch is "You might want to check out (whatever) you might like it." That's why I could never get behind Everybody Love Raymond .

I was skeptical and resistant but I watched an episode one time and it had a Buffybot and I was like "this is stupid as hell" and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah , don't watch THAT episode , that one sucks" . So then I watched an episode where a girl staying with Buffy was a mummy and it was boring and lame and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah don't watch THAT episode" . So then I watched an episode where the swim team people are turning on fish monsters and it was weak and bad and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah don't watch THAT episode" .

I say this not to rip on Buffy-people (I already did that in a different post) but to admit that I don't know much about the TV Buffy . I am assuming that her powers are basically the same as the movie Buffy - heightened agility , enhanced senses , increased endurance and the ability to detect vampire via menstrual cramps (which I assume doubles as an incentive to kill them) .

Based on this I say unequivocally that Buffy would be no match for Loki . So far as I can tell Buffy's abilities just put her at the top of human possibility - she's strong and tough and so forth for a teenage cheerleader she's not in the realm of being superhuman .

Just as a base Loki is a frost giant (not as Asgardian people , get it together) and therefore his frost giant metabolism grants him superhuman levels of physical stamina in all activities , speed , durability enough to withstand high-caliber bullets without harm and immunity to all known diseases and toxins , as well as resistance to magic and aging .

Right off the bat Buffy is in the hole when it comes to a confrontation . But that's not the half of it . Loki possesses genius-level intelligence and has extensive training in magic and possesses the ability to manipulate magical forces for a variety of purposes : energy projection , the creation of force fields , temporarily increasing his own physical capabilities , granting superhuman abilities to other living beings or inanimate objects , flight , hypnosis , illusion casting and inter-dimensional teleportation .

Loki possesses extrasensory abilities and is capable of astral projection and casting his thoughts across great distances, even across dimensional barriers , like that between Asgard and Earth . If someone has evil thoughts , Loki can influence their actions even if he is in Asgard and the subject is on Earth and he can influence other events to a degree , such as driving a missile from its path , or redirecting a radio signal .

Loki is an adept shapeshifter and can change into animals (examples include transmogrification to a salmon and a horse) or impersonate other people , such as Thor or Captain America . Loki may mimic the abilities of some supernatural beings if he turns into such creatures . He has also turned clouds into dragon, and animated trees to attack Thor.

Loki imbued himself with magical protections that enable him to withstand injuries that would prove fatal to an Asgardian , such as being beheaded by Balder. Loki crafted a method of cheating death . He will be reincarnated upon any "death" of his body now that he has arranged with the incarnations of death that his name be erased from the books of Hel .

I just don't see how Buffy can stack up against all this .

Now you may be thinking that this is an unlikely confrontation - after all Loki is not a vampire and Buffy is not Thor (could she wield Mjolnir ? More research is needed) so why would they come into conflict ?

I see this as going down during the Acts of Vengeance storyline . See Loki got tired to failing to kill Thor all the time so he gathered a bunch of other supervillains and put together the old "Strangers on a Train" plan - each supervillain would change things up and try to kill the nemesis of one of the others . The idea being that , for instance , the Fantastic Four were used to thwarting Doctor Doom - they knew all his tricks - but maybe Magneto could take them by surprise . Another way to think of it as similar to wife-swapping . Wait , that term probably isn't okay anymore . Spouse swapping I meant .

As part of the Acts of Vengeance Loki agrees to take over Dracula's operation (this also explains why Dracula and Superman went head to head one time) and try to take out Blade and sure Doctor Strange too , why not . So Loki is at the head of a vampire army scheming his schemes and whatnot and Blade is about to bite the dust when the cavalry comes in - Buffy and friends .

But isn't the idea of the Acts of Vengeance NOT to use the MO of the villain in question ? Blade fights vampires all the time .

Fine , YOU come up with a reason why Loki is in charge of a vampire army then ! Actually I guess Loki attacking Asgard with an army of vampires would be pretty cool . But still , I'm going with Acts of Vengeance .

Remember in Thor #332 when he summoned a rainstorm to kill vampires ? I do .

Anyway so the story would have to be that Buffy and Blade team-up to take down the vampires and then Loki is just like "eh whatever" and leaves . Typical Loki .

And then Buffy and Blade make sweet , sweet , hot , nasty love-sex . Which is probably on Pornhub right now . And they have a baby . So the question is , will the Buffy-Blade kid be better at killing vampires than the Steffi Graf- Andre Agassi kid will be at tennis ? Which is more inheritable - the vampire killing gene or the tennis gene ?

Actually let's say both those genes skip a generation and the Buffy-Blade kid and the Graf-Agassi kid get together as adults and they have a kid who is the world's #1 tennis pro by day and the world's #1 vampire killer by night .

And check this shit out . Remember in 97 when Agassi went from being awesome at tennis to sucking horribly because as it turns out he was wasted on meth ? I bet that's because he was hunting vampires at night and needed the meth to stay awake . And probably Brooke Shields dumped him because she's a damn dirty vampire lover .

It all makes sense . . . .

In conclusion I am not sure why why someone at worked asked me who would win in a fight between Buffy and Loki .
Monkey pack him rizla pon the sweet dep lin
Posted:Jan 14, 2019 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2019 5:51 pm

I realized something about myself today - which is always nice even when it's not something "good" . Self discovery and all that . very jealous of my time for someone who doesn't do much . I don't show it of course being a good Midwesterner (and I would NEVER say anything about it) but whenever I have to take an hour or two after work with help someone with something I really kind of resent it . I like to get on the treadmill at 4 so I have some time in the evening ergo anything that upsets my schedule throws me off .

I realize I say this in a blog which is clearly the biggest waste of time possible and that other people in the world have much less time than I , but it doesn't change the way I feel .

I was listening to a podcast with Kristen Bell (you were right BTW she was raised Catholic but she's not super Christian anymore) and she was being all bubbly and positive about working on yourself and changing and etc. etc. and I wonder what it all means . Should I try to be less selfish about my free time ? Would that make me happier ?

I feel like there's a lot of mixed messages about being yourself . I mean is someone legitimately is an asshole shouldn't they just be that way ? Other people not liking it isn't supposed to effect how you act right ? I mean you may have to make compromises if you don't want the kind of life you get when you're an asshole but if that's what you are isn't that kind of just what you are ?

It's hard to say .

I was watching the football yesterday and I heard something I have NEVER heard before on a football broadcast . A player got injured and one of the announcers said that so and so was out of the game due to an injury "which we won't show here because you don't to see that" . I was DUMBFOUNDED . 100% of the time up until how anything a player gets injured they show a replay in slow motion of their legs or arm or whatever snapping like a twig at least three times - way more if it someone "important" .

It's something I have never understood and I hope this means it's on the way out . What kind of circus animal wants to watch someone get injured ? Also surprised that someone doesn't break their leg on like 50% of all running plays . There's a bunch of dudes all smashing into each other and then collapsing in a pile - with the dude in the middle get bent all every which way . always surprised when they all just get up and are fine . Well not fine , in 20 they won't be able to go up stairs , but you know what I mean .

In the New England game there was a buxom woman wearing a t-shirt that said "Pats Sacks" and when the Patriots got a sack she unzipped her heavy winter coat to display said shirt and the camera was right there . I guess this was prearranged ? I can't imagine how else they would have picked her out of the crowd at that moment so quickly .

The titty woman is a pretty rare shot on a football broadcast but there was a time in the NBA where it was ubiquitous . It got so bad in some Lakers games after every LA made shot they'd cut to some titty women jumping for joy . It was off-putting . I did wonder at times if some , if not all , of them were plants because are there really that many titty women who love the NBA ? Maybe they were all player's girlfriends .

It was brought to my attention that I screwed up the minister's cat bit I was working on . My sincerest apologies .
Hold the phone !
Posted:Jan 8, 2019 6:55 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2019 3:30 pm

How is it possible that I didn't know that Three's Company was a remake/import/whatever of a British show called Man About the House ?

HOW ?!?!?!?!

I want answers .

Is hold the phone even an expression anymore ? It probably is without the context being known . Like how people talk about the 9th circle of hell despite not knowing where from it comes .

In the original British show the Jack character , called Robin , admitted he wasn't gay in the SECOND episode . Where did all the hilarious misunderstandings come from ? Many years ago one of my favorite things was to watch Three's Company on the Spanish language channel . Sino un comportamiento homosexual indeed .

And check his out , the British version ended in '76 and the American one started in '77 . Talk about a turn around . If I had a time machine (which I do not) I would travel back and use all my modern day assault rifles and tanks to force them to do a cross over episode . I mean two Chrissys ? Come on . Although in the British version Chrissy was the brunette ? Mind blown !

Remember the episode where Jack , under the alias Duke Bradford , tries computer dating and is matched up with Janet , who is using the alias Desiree ? I do .

Remember the episode where Jack pretends to be his own twin , "Austin" the macho cowboy , in order to fool Mr. Furley so he can date his niece ? I do .

Remember the episode where Jack gets in a boxing match and he's trying to weasel out of it and Larry asks him why since he boxed in the Navy and Jack admits that he lost every match he had ? I do .

I wonder why Suzanne Somers thought she could hold the studio up for big money when every plot revolved around Jack .

If I had a time machine (which I do not) I'd use it to go to the future to get all the laserblasters and hovertanks I would need to force them to reboot the series .

The other day someone called Super-Girl a horse fucker because of her relationship with Comet the Wonder Horse . A comment to which I took exception .

Comet's real name is Biron and he was a centaur back in ancient Greece - you know , centaur times . One day Biron saved the life of Circe (yes , THAT Circe) from an assassination attempt by another wizard called Maldor and out of gratitude she said she would give him his heart's desire . Turns out his heart's desire was to be a human instead of a centaur because he was in love with the water nymph Pereserioan and he wanted to express this love with a human penis that would bring her pleasure instead of a horse penis that would rip her in half .

So Circe made a potion that would turn whoever drank it into a human . But for that to work she also had to make a potion that would turn whoever drank it into a horse - it's the magical law of centaur conservation . You can see where this is going .

Maldor takes the form of a dove and switches the potions and poor Biron becomes 100% horse , which Pereserioan is not into (obvs) . Circe feels bad so she does the only thing she can do , she magics Biron up to give him the might of Zeus , the speed of Hermes , the wisdom of Athena and the telepathic powers of Poseidon .

Since when does Poseidon have telepathy ? Shut up , that's when .

Despite this impressive array of abilities Maldor strikes again and banishes Biron to a meteor . Thousands of years later Super-Girl's ship from Krypton flew close to this meteor which disrupted the magic resonance field and allowed Biron to break free .

Biron (called Comet by us ignorant non-ancient Greeks) and Super-Girl became best pals and went on all kinds of adventures . Biron , not being from Krypton was not effected by Kryptonite which often came in handy when Super-Girl , Super-Man , Krypto the Super-Dog , Streaky the Super-Cat , and Beppo the Super-money were disabled by the green mineral .

Now because of all the magic shit going on with Biron whenever a comet is in the solar system that Earth is in he can turn into a human - the persona he comes up with his handsome rodeo champion "Bronco" Bill Starr . One can only assume that being a horse gives you a leg up in knowing how to ride them . It's only in his guise as Bronco Bill that he and Super-Girl fuck . AND she doesn't know it's Biron in a human form - he keeps that to himself , which is kind of a dick move , but you know how centaurs be .

It's the right move on his part though if he wants to get down (which he does) because if you knew a dude was your beloved pet in human form would you be into it ? Heck no .

The point is Super-Girl never fucked Biron/COmet in horse form and didn't even know that Bronco Bill was a centaur-turned horse in the form of a human when they fucked .

So there guy .

There's a persistent historical rumor that Catherine the Great was a practicing horse fucker , but it's generally accepted that this is just slander spread because because she had the poor taste to enjoy banging dudes .
Best of cheerleader facials Vol. 2
Posted:Jan 6, 2019 10:11 am
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2019 4:44 pm

Poe's Law is that a parody of something extreme can be mistaken for the real thing , and if a real thing sounds extreme enough , it can be mistaken for a parody . This can also happen to someone whose picture of the opposing position is such a grotesque caricature that it renders them unable to tell parody from reality .

Poe phrased his law thus "Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor , it is utterly impossible to parody in such a way that someone won't mistake it for the genuine article" .

A similar notion is named "The Harry Golden Rule" which states that in present-day America it's very difficult , when commenting on events of the day , to invent something so bizarre that it might not actually come to pass while your piece is still on the presses .

The line between reality and parody is further blurred by the tendency of people to say something they mean and then claim they were joking when people don't like it .

I was watching the football yesterday and I was reminded that cheerleaders still exist . Which seems odd , when's the last time you heard an actual cheer at a sporting event ? And when you did hear a cheer I'm pretty sure it was the crowd doing it on their own - more like cheerFOLLOWER am I right ?

Anyway , I was curious how this whole cheerleading thing came to exist - it seems to be an exclusively US deal like many insane things - and I stumbled across something even weirder .

I joke about my blog upsetting people because no one reason it but there is one exception - several years back I blogged a blog about how collegiate sports are an abomination and should be done away with and a lot people actually did post angry comments . It's one of only two posts I've deleted .

But check this shit out , the reason college sports were started in the first place was because after the Revolutionary War all the college professors who were by and large Royalists starting beating the shit and sexually abusing the students - who were by and large American patriots/traitors to Britain . At first the students retaliated by rioting and burning down buildings and murdering faculty members . But after a while they instead started started organizing sports leagues as a way to do something with their college pals that wasn't controlled by the professors .

Who saw that coming ?

I like history for a lot of reasons but one of them is definitely every now and then you find out something 100% bananapants crazy .

The reason Alabama and Clemson will play a game on national TV watched by millions of people is because in the late 1700s some jerk teachers were slapping around their students - because of a civil war that happened .

Anyway after college sports started cheerleading was just a natural outgrowth .

A while back the Mighty Polar Bear and I were talking about title 9 and she said something about how cheerleading is not a sport - which I thought was a random attack on cheerleading apropos of nothing . It wasn't though . Apparently this is a big deal in the collegiate sports community because if i is a sport that brings all kind of title 9 stuff into the mix .

I have no strong opinion on that but it has a significantly highest rate of catastrophic injuries than any other sport/non-sport for female athletes . So probably we shouldn't be doing it right ?

On the other hand I could find NO information on the history of pom-poms . Where did they come from ? And why ? No one knows .

What I can tell you is this - the Iowa Energy D-League team doesn't exist anymore but I am confident they had the sluttiest dance team in the land .

I was also curious if facials came about because of porn or if that already existed . I would have bet on porn first but I would have been wrong . As far back as the 1600s dudes were writing about jacking off on people's faces .

I do find it strange that that's referred to as the "money shot" in porn since I have to assume that's the part people are least interested in . I mean who watches the end of a porn scene ?

Although the reason for it's existing is also unexpected - not as unexpected as why college sports exist but still . Back in the day they started including the "money shot" in porn to prove it was real . I guess that was important ? Like you couldn't be perving out to something unless you knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was actual semen involved .

I could be wrong but I don't think this happens much IRL and I'm not sure why anyone would care about it other than wanting to emulate porn . What I can tell you is that people have a lot of very strong opinions about it . A LOT . Dr. Ruth and Dan Savage got into a while thing about it .

Basically the two arguments are that it makes the central theme of pornography power over women and therefore implicitly violent eroticized hatred or that no pornographic image is interpretative outside of its context and that degradation does not reside in the image itself .
I'm so lonely but that's okay I shaved my head
Posted:Jan 5, 2019 11:21 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2019 9:29 am
And I'm not sad

I watched a video of Karen Gillan having her head shaved to play the role of Nebula in the Guardians of the Galaxy and she was laughing and joking around but she was also obviously on the verge of tears . It was during this viewing that I had the shocking revelation that hair is really important to women .

I remember back in the day when Demi Moore shaved her head for GI Jane and people lost their freaking minds . By the time Natalie Portman did it for the role of Eve in V for Vendetta people still freaked out but not as much . These days it's barely even notable . If that's not progress I don't know what is . Which I don't .

I have a thing for chicks with shaved heads . Probably because I'm a deeply in denial gay fellow and it makes them more masculine looking .

When Natalie Portman first came around I was like "yeah" and then she shaved her head and I was like "oh yeah !" and then I saw her completely nude in a movie and I was like "I'm out" because she looked like a teenage boy .

According to the internet every woman should shave their heads once in their life . Apparently it challenges your perceptions of social norms and standards of beauty or something . I support the internet one hundred percent for once .

The new season of Shameless starts soon and they've been showing a ton of old episodes on the TV . I'm not much of a binge watcher but I've been watching a lot of it lately . It is interesting how your perception changes when you watch a bunch of episodes in a short timeframe .

I've mentioned that the show is going downhill but it's much more pronounced when I see it like this . The shift from a basically serious drama with elements of comedy to almost a sitcom level of cornball comedy was so insidious that watching it in real time I didn't notice as much . Seeing it now it's almost laughable how much the tone has changed .

One other thing I realized I've probably seen Emmy Rossum nude more times than some women I've dated .

My favorite moment of the whole series is still when Ian tries having sex with a woman . "How do you deal with the FLAPS . . . . and the SLIME ?" Classic .

For the record I loves me the flaps and slimes (at least I think I do , see above) .

I don't think tramp stamps are as common as they once were (what a fad that was) but they're still around . If you encounter one make sure that it's a tramp stamp and not a 'Trump rump' . A trump rump is a tattoo that depicts the Illuminati pyramid in reverse , indicating the person is part of the secret society of reptilians who worship trump as their swine god .

Some people will tell you that the best party for taking on the Swine God on level 6 is Archer , two Houndmasters and an Abomination but that's far too risky - unless the Archer gets initiative and is able to use the flare arrow first round you're going to get stunned and die . What you should use instead is an Occultist , a Jester and two Abominations . Of course the hard part is getting that deep with that party but that's a tale for another day .
For the sake of argument
Posted:Jan 4, 2019 5:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2019 10:54 am

I'm considering re-naming my blog that . You know , because it's important .

The other day at work two dudes very nearly came to blows over the definition of a grilled cheese sandwich . Guy one was saying how he made the best grilled cheese with diced tomatoes and bacon . The guy said that if it has anything other than cheese that it's a melt . You probably think I'm exaggerating but they were ready to throw down over this .

Sometimes I wish I cared about anything that much . Other times I'm glad I don't .

I got into an argument the the other day about the United States . I was contending that Western Europe has a much lower resource consumption and a higher quality of life than the US because of it's very existence - that if every state (or whatever) was its own country each state would be better off individually . His counter argument was a flag pin and to shout USA ! USA ! USA !

in 1956 the US national motto was changed from "U pluribus unum" (from many one) to "In God we trust" to make sure people knew we weren't atheistic communists . In 1970 in Aronow VS United States , the Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit ruled that the motto does not violate the First Amendment to the Constitution .

God shows up in a lot of national mottoes . Not Australia though . Australia's motto used to be "Advance Australia" but it was changed to not having a motto . Which is interesting , people must have really hated it to prefer nothing . It's like that time I applied for a job and they decided instead of hiring me they would just not have that job .

For the sake of argument , let's say all your choices and all your effort are destined to be a waste . You're still very much yourself and nobody else . And you're forging ahead , as yourself . So relax .

People are really jazzed about being "yourself" . Which is alright I guess , if you can't be someone better .

For the sake of argument , let’s say we’ve found a way to build a space elevator . Could it theoretically be powered , on the trip up , by the vacuum of space ? History’s largest pneumatic tube ?

The other day someone asked me (and others) if I would rather be able to read minds but only of people I didn't know or turn invisible but doing so would destroy the clothes I was wearing .

This question is laughable . There is no benefit to being able to read minds . I don't want to know what horrible things people are thinking . Someone said you could use your powers to help the police solve crimes . Wrong . First of all the police would never believe you , if you read a criminal's mind and told them were a murder weapon was they'd assume you did it - because how else would you know where it was ? And if your powers were confirmed you would be immediately taken into custody by the government and your brain would be dissected within in the week .

Nude invisibility is clearly the answer . Someone said "Well you'd also overhear things you didn't want to hear if you were invisible" . Look people , I'm not just hanging out invisible . That power would be reserved for escaping dangerous situations and potentially for well planned criminal endeavors . I'm not going to just be loitering about nude and unseen .

One time there was a movie called the Specials . It wasn't very good but I like it . It was about a superhero team that did good things and helped people and all that but no one cared about them because there were other better super teams around . One of their problems was they never had much money because they did super stuff instead of having jobs - none of them being Bruce Wayne types .

A sub-plot of this movie was the team leaders brother was also a super person but he used his super powers to make money and he was part of an organization that encouraged super people to do that instead of getting involved in violent confrontations with bad guys . He had super speed and had a job as a courier .

That seems like not a very efficient way to monetize super speed . But I can't really think of anything better . He was trying to convince the leader guy who has laser beams to get a job doing precision mining - which again seems like under-utilization of said power .

It reminds me of a paper I wrote in college about how Captain America is better than Superman . One argument I made was that since Superman is super strong and never gets tired and gets all his energy from the sun if he really wanted to help the world he'd just crank a magnet all day every day forever - a free clean source of renewable energy . That would do far more to make the world a better place than punching one of Lex Luthor's robots .

In conclusion they're making a sequel to the Passion of the Christ . Explain that .
The minister's cat is an affable cat
Posted:Jan 1, 2019 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2019 10:54 am

Recently the internet said this to me 'Strippers notably dress very modestly when off work, to avoid developing tan lines.' Do we think this is true ?

A few months back I met and lawyer and we got into a fist fight over the Ashley Judd (remember her ? ) masterpiece Double Jeopardy . You see in this movie Ashley Judd's husband wants to bang another lady so he does the only logical thing he can do - fakes his death and frames Ashley Judd for it . She goes to prison for super murder and he's happily banging away in Scottsdale under and assumed name . She gets paroled after a mere SIX in jail and then immediately violates her probation to hunt down her (still ? ) husband and murder him because she claims she can't be tried for this crime again due to the Double Jeopardy Clause in the Fifth Amendment of the US Constitution .

I said that this was not accurate because actually killing said husband would be a different crime altogether whereas someone with an actual law degree said that it's "probably right" . I still think right . Does that mean a stubborn moron who won't admit when they're wrong or an admirable hero who sticks to their guns no matter what ?

While nitpicking movie law a common thing in movies is to show cops randomly and maliciously doing cavity searches on people . This is a serious felony , when performed without a warrant it qualifies under the law as (banned topic) .

The other day I was chatting with someone about something and I used the term Flanderization and she asked what it was . Flanderization is the term (based on the Simpsons character Ned Flanders) people have decided it's fun to use for anti-character development IE instead of a character become more layered over time they become more and more simplistic until they're essentially a caricature of a human being .

I thought about putting a picture of a caricature here - remember when I used to always post a picture ? Better days .

One of the best/worst examples of this is everyone on the the Big Bang Theory but I've attacked them plenty so instead I'll turn a show I love - Community .

Dean Pelton - starts off as a mildly eccentric with a crush on Jeff and metamorphoses into a wildly incompetent psycho-stalker that is more or less a gay version of a minstrel character .

There's also a milder version with Shirley , she was always a pretty shallow character but as time goes on pretty much everything she says is either about Jesus or her kids .

Joey from Friends is another solid example - When the show started he was shallow and vacuous , but was streetwise and still had witty lines and a good deal practicality - like pointing out to a door-to-door salesman the futility of trying to sell a $1,600 encyclopedia set to someone with patio furniture in his living room . By the end of the series , he's incapable of simple math , takes several seconds longer than anyone else to react to sudden surprises , and confuses left and right . Maybe he had a lot of off-screen concussions .

The question is why does this happen so often ? People claim they want character development . I assume the answer is because they want each episode to be more "approachable" . You jump in on season 4 episode 8 of Game of Thrones and you're not going to have any idea what the hell is going on . On the other hand if you have a show where all the characters are stock archetypes - the campy gay dude , the stupid dummy , the shrill Christian mom - you're locked in from the get go .

You know at the end of Vice when the obnoxious right wing jerk and the "libtard" are fighting and the one sexy chick says to the other sexy chick "Are you excited about the new Fast & Furious movie ? It looks lit" . It's like that .

thinking about a new movie idea . The protagonist will be Sledgehamster - a superhero hamster with , surprise , a sledgehammer that he wield with what for a hamster is super-strength . The nemesis will be Pimpsqueak a mouse with a stable of mouse-hos and a full on 70's fashion sense .

It will be a superhero movie in some kind of tiny city for critters . Actually that's move Pimpsqueak from nemesis to an informant of sorts , the big bad of the movie will be Gorillape - half gorilla , half ape , all crime boss . His minions will include Bluzzard (buzzard with ice powers) , Mechamelion (mechanical lion with camouflage) Smashmoth (super strong moth brawlers) and Vaporpoise (porpoise with water powers) .

What's the plot ? I'll figure that out later , just like real Hollywood writers .

Speaking of , whenever I see a really moronic comedy I like to pretend that the writing team that worked on it took it VERY seriously . It's probably not true , it was probably written by two college dudes on mushrooms , but I like to pretend that it's a bunch of dudes in suits sitting in a fancy conference rooms saying things like .

"And then the boner machine will start malfunctioning - which will be the payoff for introducing the boner machine on page 85 ."

"Is that the scene where Fartface and Handcuff Charlie get their testicles glued together ?"

"No that's on page 44 , remember we moved that because in order for the scene to resonate had to establish first that Topless would be watching them through the window ."

"Have we cast Topless yet ?"

"No , we've seen about a 100 actress so far but none of them have had the right sensibility for Topless - without a strong performance from that role we're going to fall into the trap of this being a buddy picture ."
Penis VS. Vagina - Dawn of Justice
Posted:Dec 29, 2018 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 1, 2019 1:04 pm

Once in a while after two people make sweet , sweet love the woman will say something like "You felt huge tonight , bigger than usual" .

Now for our purposes let's assume this is not some kind of BS ego-stroke and take the comment at face value .

I admit 100% that the same penis when erect is probably not the exact same size every time , there's some variation - however I contend that these differences are too minor to be noticed . With the caveat being of course that we're talking about being "fully" erect in all cases .

Ipso facto I contend that when "it" feels bigger that's because the woman's vagina is tighter rather than that the penis really is markedly bigger .

This theory is disputed by the owners of vaginas that have heard it but I still maintain that it's the more likely explanation .

So I put it to you good people which do you think is responsible for this phenomena - a dick really outperforming the norm or a pussy really putting the clamps on ?
7 Comments , 31 votes

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